Singapore is known for their dishes such as Hainan Chicken Rice, Hokkien Prawn Mee (U.S. spells it “mein”), oyster omellette, duck rice, and Laksa.  People who’ve been to Singapore and Malaysia would order such dishes to no end in sight.  It’s understandable.  If you had told me three plus years ago, that I would try such dishes and be hooked on them, I’d have you committed somewhere. 

I’m visiting Singapore for like the 6th or 7th time in the past three years.  I don’t mind the frequent visit there, and I came close to settling here.  In the beginning of 2008 I came to the conclusion and surrendered to the decision to no longer pursue a life in Singapore.  I still have a clear goal to perform in the Esplanade Theater there, but I don’t necessarily have to live in Singapore to do so.  When that incident during the Singapore Fringe Festival occured, I took the hint.  I decided to make the best of the situation I was in while living in the SF Bay Area.  It was an area taken for granted, I must admit.  This past year, I learned a very valuable lesson about as long as I’m present and in the moment (not like for acting, but for living life) it doesn’t matter where I’m living.  It’s about making the best of the situation by being the best I can be regardless of where I’m located. 

But I still miss Singapore.  So off I went to visit again. 

I’ve been here for the past 48 hours and so far, I’ve had 3 servings of various duck rice, 1 serving of Hainan Chicken Rice, wonton mee, xiaolung baos, and different forms of Southeast Asian desserts.  Yet, there was one item that surpassed all of those dishes put together. 

I’ve had 5 servings of Ya Kun Kaya Toast Combo A.  It’s an addiction.  I’m more hooked on these toasted items than Krispy Kreme, Golden Gate Bakery Dun Tats, and Specialties Black n White cookies put together.  When I was having my 2nd serving of this scrumptious snack today, I realized that I have an addiction.  I travelled over 8400 miles just to get a toast fix.  Seriously.  Yes, I came back to Singapore curious about what it’s like to be there in a totally different state of being, and yes, I did order some suits that’ll help me be sustained for a couple of years, and yes, there’s great shopping to be done for Christmas.  But the truth be told, of all that I miss when I’m away from Singapore, it’s the Ya Kun Kaya Toast!

Think about it, all the other dishes, I have access to elsewhere.  Duck I can have in Hong Kong, LA, SF, Oakland, ect.  Hainan Chicken Rice could be had for even cheaper in Thailand.  (under the dish name Ka Mun Gai)  In the Bay Area, I have to pay $8-9 for a dish that’s $1.50-7.00 in Southeast Asia.  Wonton mein is available anywhere, and I recently discovered that oyster omellette is also available in the States, though it’s not as good as Singapore.  I have yet to find the Hokkien Prawn Mee in the States, but this is not one of my preferred dishes. 

There will not be a Ya Kun Kaya Toast opening in the States anytime soon.  That is something I feel the need to stock up on while visiting Singapore, and I go there every chance I get.  If you were to travel with me to Singapore, Ya Kun Kaya is a “MUST GO” otherwise that’d be the last time you’d travel with me to Singapore. 

We are controlled by the media.  A lot of people would like to think that our democracy is a “two-party stranglehold,” yet it doesn’t have to be the case.  Truthfully if you look at the ballot, you’ll see at least SIX Presidential candidates running.  How much have the media mention to you about the other three pairs of candidates running for president?  Do you know who they are?  Do you know the party they representing?  Do you know their platforms? 

I’m still going to vote for whom I think exudes the most leadership qualities.  People close to me know who I’m voting for.  Yet still, I bring this up because I’m very disturbed at how the media controls the actual election.  But the media has the amount of control that we the voters allow them to have, so we’re also at fault here.  If Sarah Palin becomes a media darling because she’s a female Vice Presidential candidate, then shouldn’t a female Presidential Candidate receive the same media attention?  Likewise, if Barak Obama is also soaking up media publicity as being the “First Black Presidential Candidate,” then how about the OTHER TWO BLACK PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES RUNNING IN THIS ELECTION???

Lets take a look at the Presidential and Vice Presidential Candidates:

Libertarian Party: Presidential Candidate Bob Barr and VP Wayne A Root.  Did you know that the Libertarian Party wants the U.S. to withdraw out of Iraq?  Did you know they opposed the recent tax paid bailout? 

American Independent: Presidential Candidate Alan Keyes and VP Wiley S Drake.  This party is probably a party with a more theocratic base.  In other words, they feel government is best controlled by their conservative Christian theology.  It’s support is from the Republican Party members opposed to McCain’s “liberalism.”  Yep, they’re THAT conservative.  (P.S. Alan Keyes is the 2nd of the 3 BLACK Presidential candidates) 

Green Party: Presidential Candidate Cynthia McKinney and VP Rosa Clemente.  Yes, people blamed the Green Party for Bush’s first Presidential victory 8 years ago, and I feel that that was unwarranted.  For all the Hilary and Sarah hype, heres a presidential ticket where the president and VP candidates are BOTH FEMALE.  (BTW, Ms McKinney is the 3rd of the 3 Black Presidential candidates) 

Peace and Freedom: Presidential Candidate Ralph Nader and VP Matt Gonzalez.  Yes Nader and Gonzalez were both running for the Green Party in the past.  They resurfaced with an even more socialist agenda and platform then the Green Party.  In fact, the Peace and Freedom Party has a socialist stance when it comes to the issue of labor relations. 

Democrat: Obama and Biden; Republican: McCain and Palin.  Nuff said.  None of the 4 could sneeze without some sort of publicity.  Yet between the two parties it’s sad to say that the losing party has a better shot of the candidacy than the OTHER 4 Parties’ Candidates combined. 

That’s where the flaw of our democracy lies.  How come the majority of us who works from day to day, picks up the newspaper, watches the news, has never heard of the other four candidates?  How come they’re not taken as seriously as our Democratic and Republican nominees?  Now before you say, “they don’t have a legitimate shot,” ask yourself, how and why not?  Who’s responsible for that?   Who’s responsible for the fact that in the 2000 election only 51% of those eligible to vote voted?  How about the 55% in 2004?  This is BARELY half the voting population.  Who’s responsible? 

Let’s look at the last Presidential Election in 04.  221,256,930 eligible voters.  122,294,980 people voted (hence the 55%)  According to wiki, Bush received 62,040,610.  Now look at the amount of percentage of how much votes Bush received from ELIGIBLE VOTERS.  According to my math, if every eligible voter voted and  Bush only received the numbers he received, he would’ve only landed 28% of the vote!  That’s not even a third!  That means of the total amount of eligible voters, more than 70% DID NOT vote for Bush.  Now once again I ask, WHO’S RESPONSIBLE? 

So before you blame the media, before you blame Diebold, before you blame corporations and campaign finance mumbo jumbo, look in the mirror first and ask yourself…

WHO’S RESPONSIBLE???

When I was training for the PSI 7 Life Success Course, we used a term a lot throughout the course.  “Own it.”  We were mainly talking about identity and a positive description about ourselves.  “Owning it” means to embrace that description (“awesome, achieving, beautiful, wonderful, ect”) and allow it to enter our core being.  “Owning it” also means to relentlessly pursue our goals with reckless abandonment, not allowing obstacles to overcome us, and to accept full responsibility with what comes along with obtaining that goal.  Throughout my time at the High Valley Ranch, “OwnIt” was the buzzword. 

When I took the Leadership Seminar, we weren’t verbally reminded of the term, it was expected to be a given by then.  It took awhile for me to realize that.  I was waiting to be reminded, but when I was called out for “not showing up,” I started to get it.  By then, “owning it” meant stepping up and taking charge and initiative…something that I considered to be a weak area for me.  I was always the type to let someone else take the initiative.  Nevermind that for the past year I began to learn how much it cost me, I just did not want to take initiative for anything. 

Upon graduating from MLS, we were then eligible to attend Principia.  Initially upon completing MLS, I thought I was not going to be able to attend Principia because I had a prior engagement that I was already committed to attend.  But I was able to attend about 80-90% of Principia thankfully though I know I missed some fun and challenging events and will have to wait to the next Principia for it. 

So what was my prior “commitment?”

When I escorted the contestants for the Miss Chinatown U.S.A. Pageant, I was approached by the group of “housemothers” shortly afterwards to volunteer and model for the On Lok Annual Fashion Show.  I was initially reluctant to help them out in that capacity.  I downplayed the entire everything.  I gave them a disclaimer that I was an actor, not a model, and therefore would not know how to conduct myself on the runway.  When people inquired about my initial absence from Principia, I explained to them that I had a prior commitment which I did.  When I was at Principia, my LS Brothers and PSI 7 Teammates would ask me about my upcoming premature exit from the event, and I’d explain that I was a “volunteer” for a charity fashion show.  I told very little people what exactly I was scheduled to do.  If I did tell them, I downplayed the responsibility entirely.  (“Oh, they wanted everyday people, NOT PROFESSIONAL models…”"I don’t know why they asked me, I already warned them I’m an actor, not a model…”)

So after the conclusion of the fashion show, I had lunch with my liondance team and was planning to head home to sleep when it really hit me about my whole attitude and approach to my experience in helping out the On Lok Center. 

I wasn’t “OWNING IT.” 

Downplaying the whole experience meant that I was distancing myself from the event.  I didn’t own the fact that out of 15 guys who helped escort this year’s pageant, I was one of the two members chosen to help out.  I didn’t own the fact that I was trusted by this particular committee for my level of professionalism.  I didn’t own the fact that I rebuilding relationships that were lost for almost ten years.  And in turn, I wasn’t owning the experience I created at the High Valley Ranch during Principia. 

So I drove three hours to return to the Ranch in order to own and claim what I got out of Principia.  Let me tell you that it was worth the drive all the way.  Owning and accepting. 

It’s not like I keep on adding and adding them.  I just simply have a lot of stuffed furry friends.  I find it to be practical.  I’m living in a space that allows “no pets,” and this is pretty much my “loophole” to the “no pet” rule.  I guess the craze started way back in high school some 20 years ago.  (YES I ADMIT IT!!! 20 YEARS, OK???) 

My little cousin (she aint “little” anymore as she’s in her 20s now) was the most adorable member of the family back in my sophomore year of high school.  Cute as a button, well-behaved 2 year old.  So our sophomore class was having a Dakin Holiday fundraiser, and I decided to get her one of the bears for Christmas.  At age 15, I remembered that Christmas being one of my “better” Christmas experience as I watched her opened the wrapping and embracing the bear.  Her face lit up and as a result so did mine.  My first high school kiss around that time was in the aftermath of the girl I was crazy about receiving a bear from me.  Yes, teddy bears became my charm.  Upon getting my driver’s license, I bought a Garfield line “Pookie” bear to put in the passenger seat of my car.  So the 2 years of high school driving, I was accompanied by “Pookie.”  (He was safely sitting next to me w/his seatbelt on!)  Unfortunately towards the end of senior year, someone broke into my car and Pookie became a casualty.  His memory was relived as I had an image of him tattooed on my upper right shoulder sitting on the back of my “protective” dragon. 

Most people bring along those neck pillows for traveling on overseas flight.  I actually have 2 contoured “pillows” to travel along with me.  Actually they’re not pillows.  They’re two bears contoured to my neck.  They serve a couple of purposes when I’m traveling in addition to being pillows: they help me speed up the process whenever I’m stopped for “random bag checking,” and they’re the “silencers” when a screaming baby is on board the plane.  (They came in handy on my last flight from HK to SFO earlier this year!)

The ultimate experience of bears was when I USED TO be one.  I mentioned that years ago, I was one of those “party gram” cartoon characters for birthday parties.  There was nothing else more fulfilling than being mobbed by a bunch of children chanting “Poooooohhhhh!!!”  It was my favorite job because I actually got paid to hold babies and played games with the kids.  The downside was during the times when I would work at the higher risk neighborhood knowing that the children I was playing with and holding were abused and neglected.  (I shared a story way back on an older blog entry where as Pooh Bear, tears were streaming down my face as I learned that the two year old I was holding was witnessing her father beating her mother on a regular basis) 

So you could imagine how offended I was when I learned about the “furies.”  Apparently, there’s a sexual fetish for people to engage in sexual activities while wearing such costumes.  For me, it’s pretty sacrilegious.  I donned such costumes in order to give those kids some form of childhood precious memories, an escape no matter how brief the time may be for them.  So the idea of people donning the outfits for such self fulfilling pleasure truthfully had as much of an impact as when learning about the two year old.  That sense of innocence snatched away.  Yes, consenting adults have a right to do whatever they want to do.  But “furies???” 

My “friends” are great ice-breakers.  People talk about them all the time.  They’re good company cause they don’t talk back, it doesn’t cost anything to feed them, and best of all, you don’t need to clean up after them.  Little kids and babies respond to them better than they do to us adults.  (Have you seen how cute it is to see someone 1 year old or less striking up a conversation with a bear?)  Also in my case as a writer and as an improviser, their presence enables me to unlock my creativity and imagination.  In fact, I would venture out to say that they actually “helped” me write Classroom Drama for the Asian American Theater Company.  Well at least they helped me “staged” the play.  It happens when you have 10 characters all on stage at once.  (most stage plays normally have 2-3 characters on stage at the most on average)  I would also venture out to say that they even saved my life and my sanity after my mother passed away and my family going in their own direction some 3 years ago.  I make no apologies for having them. 

When I was doing my frequent trips to Singapore, I was seeing a young lady there on a semi regular basis.  We were going over the details of my then possible move over to Singapore and she commented that my “friends” be left behind and/or dumped.  According to her, as a “grown man,” I had the moral obligation to “let go of such childish notions.”  I put some thought into what she said, and eventually, I did “let go.”

…of HER! 

It’s hard not to talk about personal growth and the journey I’ve taken this past year.  It’s all about me, myself, and I.  I make no apologies whatsoever about what I type on this website.  This is a blog and I type as I damn well please.  Nope, don’t expect me to apologize for it.  I used to have a disclaimer about “not being held responsible whether or not the reader of this blog is offended or not.”  I’m not planning on putting the disclaimer back on my info page, but I still stick by that policy.  It’s not like the self-pity angry stuff I’ve printed here like two years ago.  I make no apologies for that too.  It’s what I really felt two years ago.  BE GLAD I’ve never acted on how I felt back then.  I know I’m very glad about that. 

I’m typing this as I’m wrapping up the month of August.  August and Decembers are very difficult months for me to cope with.  Perhaps more so since my mother passed away 3 years ago.  When she died, the entire family died with her.  I’m an adult.  I’m no orphan, yet I felt like an orphan for the past three years.  August and December are months where those feelings are stronger than usual.  One of the reasons for my decision to go on a personal growth retreat last year at the end of August was to deal with this emotion of feeling like an orphan.  It helped a little.  It helped me enough to know that there was something there that was more than what I gave myself credit for. 

How I feel during the months of August and December and what I discovered about myself this past year are battling it out within me.  There’s a battle going on inside.  Truthfully its actually ongoing, but during those two months, it just seems to intensify.  Something within boils to a point of rage, and it just comes out in some way or another.  People call it “cranky, impatient, uncharacteristic,” my growth group renamed it “seasonal emotional allergy.”  Some people who remembered me as one who flew off the handle at the drop of a hat will look at the behavior and conclude, “hasn’t changed a bit.”  It’s no coincidence that they tend to show up ONLY around those two months and I’m never in contact with them again until either of those two months passes.  (Another thing for me to look into more in depth, eh?)

A short time ago, I’d rage against God about that situation.  “WHY ME?” I’d lament.  I’d rage against myself too.  I’d have my reaction during those two months and just beat myself up over what I felt was a losing battle.  Then I’d give up completely after those moments of emotional defeats. 

I’m so grateful over what occurred in August ’07.  It was a moment of personal triumph when I was able to enjoy the Arizona heat at midnight in a resort pool.  I was taking a closer look at myself and what was programmed within me that made me behave and react the way I did at certain situations.  Then it was revealed to me that I was more powerful than I gave myself credit for, that what God created in me was not taken into account.  I felt liberated.  Then shortly afterwards, I found myself ordering takeout on Christmas day wondering what went wrong, thumbing my middle finger at God.  (Can I “THUMB” my middle finger…? Oh well…)

It’s an ongoing battle that never ends and never will. 

However, this past year had more victories than defeat.  Better than that, I already know how the war is won: Victorious.  It’s not just a theological theory.  It’s factual.  It isn’t just Biblical, it’s one of those common Truths that all faiths subscribes to. 

So why are there moments of defeats?  Well, first of all, we’re human, and humanity isn’t perfect.  And actually, that’s pretty much it.  Imperfection. 

So lately, I’ve noticed that most of my battles that’s been “won” per se were a result of letting go of being perfect and simply doing and being the best I can be and do at that immediate moment.  It’s about accepting imperfection.  The caveat is that when people realize their imperfections, they either allow themselves to be cynical or subject themselves to a state of futility.  Pursuit of excellence is thrown out the window.  It’s like the flea experiment.  Fleas were placed in a tupperware type of container with a lid placed at the top to stiffle their jumping.  After awhile, though the lid is removed, the fleas ceased to jump out. 

Basically the battle within is whether or not I bother to “jump” or not.  That’s why I have that poster of myself jumping for a trapeze 30 feet above ground.  It’s a reminder to “jump” regardless of the outcome, a reminder that jumping IS MORE THAN HALF the battle. 

This August, though I have fallen at times and more so than any other times, I’ve made more “jumps” than I have in past Augusts and Decembers.  As a result, for the first time in a long time I’ve actually had a “happy birthday.” 

Though the battle rages on, I’m gaining ground.

Well, and AIR too!

A little more than a year ago, I went through a lengthy audition process in Singapore to get into one of their professional dramatic training companies.  I say lengthy because I was there auditioning for more than three hours, and it was originally a scheduled six hour audition.  The remaining hours was cut because the president of the academy who was auditioning me decided to “waive” the English test I was required to take.  (Not an exaggeration!)  When I left that audition, there was one more requirement that I had to do in order to be fully evaluated.  And no, the president was not going to waive this requirement.  It was a writing sample.  Now granted, he was not familiar with my blogs nor my plays.  I could’ve simply copied and pasted something I’ve done in the past, but since I went through all the trouble to get to Singapore to audition, and since at that point my foot was fractured, I decided to create something new.  Since my most recent topic was on gratitude, I figured now is a good time to post what I sent to the academy: 

One Letter Makes a Difference

Almost ten years ago, I was asked to give a speech to a church group in regards to why I was chosen to teach conversational English in China on behalf of their organization.  While I was writing an initial draft to what I was going to share with them, I got distracted and I misspelled a word. I initially wanted to say that it was either “divine or cosmic” intervention in my introduction, but I left out the “s” in “cosmic,” so when I spoke, I said “comic” intervention! 

Luckily, I had with me copies of letters written to me over the years from members of that church.  So when I made the initial faux pas of saying “comic” instead of “cosmic,” I seized an opportunity that was a result of a mistake. I immediately pointed out to the group that I meant “cosmic,” which resulted in laughter.  I then pointed out that if you replace the “c” in “cat” with an “r,” you get a totally different animal.  Then I jokingly asked the group which animal would they rather have as a pet. 

So then I grabbed a letter from my pile that I brought along with me and read aloud an excerpt of it.  The letter was written to me following a breakup in my relationship and a crisis I had with my parents at that time.  I then shared the Bible verse the person shared with me (Jeremiah 29:11) and revealed the identity of the letter because that person was well known among the church.  I emphasized to the group that “one letter makes a difference,” and like my spelling analogies, how a letter written to someone could help create a major difference.  When I concluded, I shared with a group another verse from the Bible (Philipians 4:6-7), and told them about how a simple letter could help someone who’s going through some hardship.  I then wrote on the board the word “BITTER,” and then replaced the “I” with an “E” to re-emphasize one letter makes a difference.

I share this story now because we currently live in a day and age of email, sms, and evites.  The art of letter writing is a dying art form.  Yes, I agree that we could be as eloquent on email as we could in a letter, but I believe that a handwritten letter adds a dimension more than something that’s typed and spellchecked on a screen and then sent to “whoever @ wherever dot com.”  In other words, if Individual A sent an eloquent and specific email to Individual B, it doesn’t hold the same weight had A handwritten and sent it to B.   Why?  I think it’s because fonts are uniform.  We all share Times New Roman and Arial.  It doesn’t matter if we change the font, it does not replace the individual uniqueness of the handwriting from the sender.  Yes, an email is more convenient, time saving, cost effective.  But that’s what adds more value to something handwritten.  The writer did take the time and effort in order to express how much they care or feel. 

Over this past weekend, I was challenged on what I could do in order to make a difference in other lives.  Initially I did not come to any conclusive answer.  But as I write this now, I know:  Say what you feel and feel what you say… on paper…with your own writing…send it to someone…allow the magic of a handwritten letter transform someone. 

…after all…

ONE LETTER MAKES A DIFFERENCE!   

And of course, I sent a handwritten postcard to the president a short time afterwards thanking him for taking the time of his busy schedule to meet with me.  (True to my words)  Later in October 2007, I received a letter saying that I got into the programme.  Then I went through a very lengthy and challenging process of getting a long term student status visa through the Singaporean government.  (Long story later) 

I say all this because reading my previous entry and reading Professor Pausch’s The Last Lecture reinforced what I said in my writing sample.  If you read The Last Lecture, (which I highly recommend) Chapter 41 is all about the handwritten “thank you” note.  And I do agree with him that it has become a “lost art.” In fact, I’ll venture out to say that ANY handwritten note has become a lost art. 

Wait…

I did venture out and said that. 

One + year ago. 

OK, so having read tons and tons of self-help books, spiritual growth books (including The Bible), personal growth books, prosperity books, and even attending growth seminars of all genre, there seems to be one common denominator of them all: expressing gratitude in some form.  God knows how many praise and worship songs I’ve sung over the years that had the word “thanks” in it. 

So the other day, I came across a workbook for the recent Secret that came out a couple of years ago, and I opened it to see what exactly was on it having watched the DVD.  It was basically a journal to make a “gratitude list.”  Apparently, this is something where you enter on a regular basis on things you’re thankful for.  Now that’s a wonderful concept, don’t get me wrong, but I think it misses a section on a masterpiece of a bigger picture. 

During the past year in my personal growth quest, I noticed that most of the people I came across in that realm were those who were successful in one area, but not the other, or were there to create more of a balance between personal and career success.  Like myself who was finding ways to take my craft of acting to a higher level, most people I came across were those who were succeeding in their respected career field but their relationships, if they existed at all were not on a “10″ level (on a scale of 1-10)  In fact, I would venture out to say that they rated their relationships on a “4″ or less. 

So I was reviewing my journals especially the one’s I started shortly since the beginning of 2007.  In December of 06, I was hospitalized for a mysterious hand infection on the verge of having my left hand amputated.  Following in January 07, I decided to list at the end of the day what I was “thankful” for, and in time, my general attitude in life shifted.  I found myself losing my temper a whole lot less, looking more optimistic towards challenging situations, smiling a whole lot more since the beginning of 07.  I was traveling a lot more.  Who would’ve guessed that in less than a year’s time, I’d travel to Vegas, Oklahoma City, L.A., Phoenix, Austin, Hong Kong, Thailand, and Singapore?  Actually it was less than a time of 8 months. 

So what does this have to do with an imbalance of relationships?

Well, as I stated, I was reviewing my gratitude journal from Jan 07 until now.  I listed things that I received, food that I ate, parking spaces that opened up (in San Francisco, that’s something to REALLY THANK for), places I visited, and breakthroughs I’ve made usually in acting. 

What I listed very little were people whom I was thankful to and for. 

Then I looked at this blog itself.  Back in November 07, I began a blogging project to thank past mentors and how they influenced my life for the better.  There was only a total of 3 entries including my intro.  No, I’m not going to beat myself up over the lack of follow-through, but it was definitely interesting to see how much effort I put.  Then again looking at my journal, I could definitely see the correlation between the two. 

I share this because I was revisiting the idea of creating a bunch of “thank you” notes to people in my life.  The idea came about during my time in MLS.  I had some time for inner reflection and thoughts and people came to mind.  I was driving to lunch earlier this afternoon, and the thoughts struck me again.  Only this time I reflected on my overall gratitude list in my journals.  The thought hit me.

Even though more people are creating gratitude lists as a result of their quest for personal growth, how many of the items listed are actually another person?  And I’m not just talking about an item such as “I am thankful for that courteous customer service counter person who gave me an additional shot of espresso and charged me for a single price instead of that grande,” because in reality, we’re really being thankful for that “hookup.” 

This weekend, I called my friend Kit and alphatext my other friend Alex whom I met up with in Thailand while doing my Holiday travel in Southeast Asia.  (I didn’t MEET them while travelling in Thailand, we were already friends) After we returned back from our trip in the beginning of this year, we all got caught up in our respected separate endeavors: Kit is very active w/the Thai Temple in Berkeley, Alex works for Toyota, and I’ve been focused on my personal growth projects with PSI since March.  My alphatext message to Alex was an acknowledgment of my lack of contact w/him and that I still valued our friendship.  My conversation w/Kit was to express my appreciation of our growing friendship over the past 3 years especially after my mom’s passing and therefore, she, Alex and our other friend Chris became family to me.  Luckily I caught them before they took a road trip down to Southern Cali which is where they are now.  And because I was able to let them know how much I appreciated having the both of them in my life…

…I miss them. 

And from them I learned that they didn’t need to be “mentors” per se for me to express thanks to and for them.  They were simply being themselves.  If you think about it, just being is a thankless job for the most part, yet being is very under appreciated. 

So when was the last time a “thank you” note was sent to someone “just because?”  Do you think that could make a difference? 

Try it.

Get back to me and let me know how it went.

Oh, and THANKS in advance!!!

Actually…

THANK YOU.  PERIOD!!! 

Sometimes, you return from a trip or a course, or some sort of event where you get an epiphany or further insight about yourself and realized that from that moment on, because of your new awareness, things would never been the same again.  For example, 11 years ago I left the United States for the first time in my life and I interacted with the local villagers in Mainland China for almost 2 months.  Upon returning home, I realized that my perspective on the world had changed and expanded dramatically and life wouldn’t be the same for me again upon returning home.  Then I got a job with Paging Networks shortly afterwards and became a working robot.  Clocked in, clocked out, did things on the weekend, clocked in clocked out, did things on the weekend, clocked in, clocked out, did things on the weekend…get the picture?  Problem was, my experience was hard to describe to others because they didn’t get “it.” 

So last week, I returned home from The High Valley Ranch as an official MLS C 80 Graduate.  Ten intense days of classroom and hands on learning on taking charge as a leader in your life and to be able to influence others around you. 

So what changed?

Actually my conclusions about myself when I look into the mirror.  It’s very hard to describe actually.  I mean by that, when I look in the mirror I still see “Jarrett” per se, but yet my conclusions about Jarrett is far different than before I took off for the MLS training.  In some ways, it wasn’t a radical shift as my viewpoint was already changing as a result of returning from the PSI 7 Success Course.  I described my recent experience to another PSI 7 classmate:

PSI 7 enabled me to find new descriptions and adjectives about myself that I didn’t think was possible about me.  MLS empowered me to come to definitive conclusions of who and what I am when it comes to the scheme of things in life.  The Basics opened the door to all the possibilities of what my life could be. 

Its unfortunate that what I learned at High Valley Ranch isn’t more widely taught in the curriculum of public schools because I can guarantee how much more learning would take place if it was taught.  However, living what I learned is a key to teach others around you.  But it’s easier said than done.  I know because not even more than a half hour passed when the chartered bus last week dropped me off at SFO, and I was flipping the bird to a “fellow” pedestrian who took it upon themselves to walk against a red light as my vehicle was following traffic. 

A tall order indeed. 

So as I go about my everyday business, the routines the same, the schedule is unchanged, the people around me has their same ups n downs, and even myself, I’m the same person.  It’s just that shift of my own conclusions about myself that’s switched.  So back to work. 

Got a mirror?

Personal growth and realizing your unlimited potential is very tiring.  When I was registering for the PSI Basics that was scheduled to take place in March 08 while still in Singapore,  I had no idea that I was going on a longer journey which was going to take up a good portion of my 2008.  But here I was starting Jan 2008 in Asia, then double duties for CNY Miss Chinatown and Yau Kung Moon for Feb 08.  So when I got that call from Sarah in the Denver PSI office to remind me of my upcoming class in March, I was so off guard to say the least.  Then I was introduced to the PSI 7 Life Success Course that Mandy took last September, and I knew it was a given that I was going to that.  Which was May.  Luckily, I was able to spend time with friends during the month of April.  I also did a film short during the month of April.  In fact, I wanted to take the PSI 7 in April but couldn’t because I already knew I was scheduled to shoot that weekend, so I had to wait til May to take the PSI 7. 

It seemed like time sprinted upon returning from PSI 7 on May 10.  Cause right now, it’s already the second half of June, and I’ve no clue on how the time came and went so quickly.  I remember a three day weekend somewhere in there.  So as I’m getting my stuff together for the Men’s Leadership Course, I’m looking back on the journey from PSI 7 to MLS: 

When I received my acceptance letter to attend MLS, I was shocked at some of the requirements needed for me to attend this particular course.  First of all, I was required to bring with me camping gear.  If you know me at all camping and Jarrett don’t mix.  I know where we’ll be since I’ve already visited the High Valley Ranch.  I’m just not too keen on the idea of living outdoors.  Then I was challenged to have with me, prepped some additional documents for myself such as a will, medical insurance, passport, and some other items.  Finally when I look at the dress code, I was taken aback when I saw that I was to pack with me a tuxedo.  What???

So that’s why time moved so quickly from the time I came back from PSI 7 til now.  I’ve been scrambling to prepare myself as much as I could for MLS.  I remember going to my church growth group lamenting over how difficult it was for me to find a reasonable tux under $4K.  My friend Melanie asked me about how much I like the suits I had made for me while I was in Singapore.  I told her there’s nothing like a suit custom designed to fit you and you only.  Then she asked me if I had such an extensive collection of suits, (Just 6, only 3 are custom-tailored for me) why not have a tuxedo in the closet? 

So between tuxedo shopping and researching medical insurance, time really sped up on me.  That’s not to mention that I decided to finish some unfinished business 4 years ago as well as taking up a new project that involves myself and Cassandra Lambert. 

Believe it or not, all of this is all related to all that I learned from PSI! 

All this talk about personal growth has been personally tiring for me.  I need to be careful about getting myself trapped in this growth seminar cycle of taking these courses and doing nothing else but take courses.  It’s similar to my acting.  I take acting classes to keep the acting “muscles” in shape and flexed while in between projects, but after awhile all I’m doing is taking classes and nothing else.  There’s a trap to things.  It’s very similar to those revolving doors.  If you’re not careful, you get in this trap of “entering a building,” getting “your foot in the door” so to speak, but yet you’ve never ENTERED the actual building.  But because you are actually moving (in a circle) you’ve found a way to convince yourself that you’re “progressing” or “being productive” yet your final result is that you still remain “out.” 

That’s been my reality since taking my “Journey” a year ago.  Yes it’s true that I noticed a counter-productive pattern in my dating/relationship that ran deep to a point that I decided to attend a personal growth seminar for the first time in almost ten years.  For the past twelve years I was committed to Christ, and actually I still am.  It was my so-called commitment to Him that caused me to conclude that I didn’t need to devote any time to personal growth.  BTW, it wasn’t that I “noticed” this pattern, I finally got to a point in my life where I was being honest with myself to admit that such a pattern existed.  God only knows that anyone who pointed this out to me before I admitted this to myself received my emotional and verbal wrath.

Personal growth and human potential courses were introduced to me a long time ago when I was introduced to multi-level marketing.  In most MLM trainings elements of personal growth are included because of the emotional pitfalls that is synonymous with working within an MLM structure.  MLM is not a “typical” sales job, it’s a business where the probability of success is correlated with the individual involved.   In other words, the chance for success in MLM can only go as high as the self esteem of the person running their MLM business. 

So in most MLM companies, in addition to training in basic sales, product knowledge, and company policy/procedures, they’ll include sections on personal self-improvement.  Now, one does NOT have to be in MLM in order to learn about self improvement.  Just take a trip to any local bookstore and go to either the “Self Help” or “Self Improvement” section of the store.  Go to a local FedEx Kinkos store; what books are available for sale there?  Any company that’s interested in increasing productivity will consult w/a personal growth coach for their employees. 

I’m currently not involved w/MLM, but I’m an actor and writer who only worked locally in the Bay Area and only done a substantial amount of work during the past 3 years.  I don’t work for a company, I don’t have an agent, and I’m mostly on my own.  Plus my relationships or a lack of one was getting me to a point of frustration.  So after I dated this person for a month where the end result was rocks thrown at my Honda, I decided to contact an “upline” from the MLM company I used to worked for 12 years ago to see if he could help coach me in two main areas: my career and my relationships.  That began in May of 2007.   I attended a conference in Norman Oklahoma called “View From the Edge.”   This is an “edutainment” type of class; in other words, it’s a show with a point.  Sorta like performance art but a LOT more expensive.  Come to think of it, it was pretty much performance art, but the audience paid a LOT more than the average $10-20 sliding scale, “no one is turned away due to lack of funds” performance art show.  I was encouraged to follow up with that course by taking one titled “Journey Beyond the Edge” later on in August, but since I was tentatively scheduled to be in Singapore during that time, I initially declined.  Then following the audition process with Theater Training and Research Centre in Singapore in July and getting dropped from Fly Entertainment in Singapore at the same time caused me to give myself a “birthday present.” (My birthday is in August)  That present to myself was enrolling in “Journey.”  It was a very nice gift to myself because this course was held at the Gainey Ranch Hyatt Resort in Scottsdale Arizona, and after class time, I indulged in the amenities of the resort.  On top of that, since my roommate spoke Spanish fluently, we got additional goodies from the Spanish speaking staff members there.  It was nice to be spoiled. 

So a month after I went to “Journey,”  my friend Mandy from Denver visited the Bay Area and needed to be picked up from SFO in order to attend a “PSI 7 Success Course.” Of course I was gonna inquire about it.  Unfortunately she told me very little about it.  Her only response to me at that time was “y’know, for someone who’s taken another growth seminar, you still have very scattered energy.” At that time, I’m thinking to myself how “brainwashed” and overzealous she’s became.  Also at that time I was accepted into the program at TTRP in Singapore.  So after getting accepted, I went through the application process for long term residency in Singapore which included signing a waiver to allow the government to cane me in the event of commiting a crime. Then for some reason the application didn’t go through, so I resubmitted again…and again…and again…and again until TTRP contacted me and postponed my enrollment w/them because I was not able to meet the deadline.  So I re-applied to the Singaporean government…AGAIN.  Then on Thanksgiving week, TTRP contacted me again to let me know they didn’t just postponed MY enrollment, but they postponed the program indefinitely altogether and for me to check back with them in July 2008. 

I told those closest to me that by the time May 2008 rolls around, there will be two possibilites for me: either I’m settled in Singapore by then or I’ll be driving around in a new car in California indicating that I’m no longer going to pursue living in Asia.  What happened after the Christmas holidays was my trip to Asia.  I went to Asia with the intention of that point to either take one last shot of finding a way in, or say my final “goodbyes” to the friends I’ve made there during my frequent visits there during the past two years.   Not to rehash an old story, but while attending a show at the Singapore Fringe Festival, my trek to the venue enabled me to have a moment of clarity.  You see, prior to the Singapore Fringe, I was in regular contact with the artistic director of the local theater company that was running the Festival.  Not only was I attending the fringe, but I also wanted to see if there were any opportunities with his company.  Well after meeting him that evening and exchanged more contact info, I left the theater and realized the huge blunder I made in trekking to the theater from my hotel.  When I returned to my hotel, I contacted Mandy in Denver to enroll in the course she took, but had to enroll in their “PSI Basics” first.  Long story short, I became known in the PSI Denver office because I enrolled for a Basics to be taken in San Francisco at the Denver office while being in Singapore. 

Why did I decide to sign up for that Basic course while in Singapore?  Mainly because that was the point where I decided that I would no longer knock myself out trying to move and settle out there.  So once I made peace with that decision, another question followed me.

What am I going to do NOW??? 

That’s a great and legitimate question that I had absolutely no idea what the answer was.  For each visit I made to Singapore, I took a step closer and closer in settling there.  The third trip there, I secured an agent with Fly and upon returning to the Bay Area, knocked myself out following their demands before visit number 4: enrolled in a film class, assembled a demo reel of my filmwork, obtained new headshots in color, and lost as much weight as possible.  The agent I was going to work with took a medical leave before visit number 4, and her successor was not interested in working with me.  Visit number 5 was my audition with TTRP and the incident where this lady shopper unknowingly fractured my left foot.  So here I was asking myself what am I going to do next after receiving that epiphany while on visit #6.  All I could do at that point was to enroll into what was called “The PSI Basics” which was scheduled for the first weekend in March 2008.  Then I contacted my Sihing Garin to let him know that I was available to help escort the 08 Miss Chinatown USA Pageant during the CNY season which was in Feb 08.  So when I returned to the States in mid January, I returned to my routine at Seydways Acting Studio while preparing for CNY.  Oh, and researched all available cars. 

The Basics caught me unexpectedly off guard.  I was sooooo exhausted doing double duties during this past CNY as a Miss Chinatown escort and as an active Yau Kung Moon member.  So when I received a call from Sara in Denver about the upcoming Basics in March, my response was, “that’s not until March, Sara.”  Her response : “March is TOMORROW!”  The structure of the Basics goes Thursday and Friday evenings.  All day Saturday and Sunday, and information/certificate nite Wednesday.  To be honest, I did not pay any attention until AFTER Saturday evening.  That following Sunday when they announce enrollment for the PSI 7 Success Course (the same one Mandy from Denver was on her way to back in September 07) guess who was the first in line to enroll?  I was bummed that I couldn’t enroll in April due to a scheduled film shoot, and May 4 couldn’t come fast enough. 

Now if you’re wondering why I decided to go into the direction of taking the PSI courses instead of returning to Marc Accetta and his training program that I taken with him a year ago, it had a lot to do with application and freedom.  Without divulging details, PSI Seminars isn’t affiliated with any other company other than their PSI World which is a non-profit outreach group.  Mr Accetta’s trainings are exclusive with WorldVentures and Liquidity International.  He was generous enough to allow me to train with the wonderful folks at Liquidity at both the View and Journey last year in 07.  However, I felt that as long as I was not going to be a part of that company, I did not want my participation there to be a source of distraction to the other attenders.  Plus the training is catered to the direct needs of the company and to the members being trained.  Yes I received a LOT of useful information about myself last year while training with them.  It was a personal decision I made because the sections that were focused exclusively on application to downline and upline weren’t applicable to me personally.  Plus a few members expressed some reservation of my participation there and not being a part of their company which is understandable.  I’m not going to be distracted or be a source of distraction.  The Accettas and Monico Perez has my utmost gratitude. 

No, I cannot discuss the contents of either the Basics or the PSI 7 courses.  What I can tell you that my first day at PSI 7 STARTED positive, but gotten negative immediately.  First, the application I filled out to enroll was returned to me so I could “fill it out properly.”  That was accompanied with a set of name tags with my name misspelled.  Then upon returning the application, I was told that my app still wasn’t filled out properly so I had to redo my application.  Then when I returned the application, the person who received my application treated me as if he didn’t speak to me before, so I reminded him that this was my second trip to his station.  He ignored me and then asked me why was my nametag misspelled.  So I turned the question back around to him because if my application spelled my name a certain way with my own handwriting, and the staff spelled my name differently, who’s fault is it????  He smiled and assured me that it would be corrected “asap.”  That was only my first hour there.  I realized that it was going to be a very long day.  Then the three instructors assigned to teach us were people whom I was ready to pounce on at the end of that evening.  Long story short, those three instructors that I wanted to whoop on so bad that first day, were the three people that I hugged at the end of the week with a LOT of gratitude towards them. 

At the end of this month, I’m scheduled to attend the Mens’ Leadership Seminar also located at the High Valey Ranch.  No, I have no idea what to expect when I get there, and as I’m STILL processing all that I learned from the PSI 7, I’m now prepping for the MLS at the same time. 

So with all these flurry of activities, I finally have an answer to that one question I asked myself in Singapore before enrolling in the PSI Basics, haven’t I?

NOPE.

Not once did I truly answered that question, “so what now?”  Yes, I’ve decided to no longer pursue a life in Asia, specifically Singapore.  And yes, though I asked myself that question back in January 08, I do realize that it’s now June 08. You could look no further than my 2008 VW Rabbit as proof that I have no plans for myself in Asia.  So do I have a better idea of which direction to go as a result of all the classes taken? 

Yes.

So what now?

Yesterday during my regular class meeting at Seydways, I approached one of my classmate and acting colleague about her interest in a play.  If there is anything I got out of the courses I took with Mr Accetta and with PSI, it’s this.  I AM responsible for whether or not I perform as an actor.  Period.  Not the casting director, not the producer, not the theater company’s artistic director, not the agent.  I AM the person responsible for my income.  I AM the person responsible in whether or not I find “Ms Right.”  I AM responsible for my writings and whether or not it gets published, produced, and exposed.  It falls all on me.  Five years ago, I began writing scripts with that same approach so I wouldn’t be so reliant on other people.  Then I stopped writing 3 years ago playing “victim” to my grief. 

So as I begin preparation for PSI MLS, I’m also taking steps to begin to wear another hat in my life: Producer.  Yes, I’ve directed stuff in the past.  Yes, obviously I’ve performed already in the past.  But this is the present here and now and I do have all the resources within myself in order to make things happen.  Stay tuned for information on my upcoming production of Danny and the Deep Blue Sea by John Patrick Shanley starring myself and Cassandra Marie Lambert.  Director TBA.  Location TBA.  Oh and yes, I realize I have unfinished business from 5 years ago too.  Babbling On(line) will be completed soon too.  That, I promise to all my cast and crew who devoted their October 2003 weekends. 

So here I go.  Back to Life, Back to Reality.  With my thoughts leading the way, one thought at a time, one step at a time, one peak at a time.