June 10, 2008

  • BACK TO LIFE, BACK TO REALITY

    All this talk about personal growth has been personally tiring for me.  I need to be careful about getting myself trapped in this growth seminar cycle of taking these courses and doing nothing else but take courses.  It's similar to my acting.  I take acting classes to keep the acting "muscles" in shape and flexed while in between projects, but after awhile all I'm doing is taking classes and nothing else.  There's a trap to things.  It's very similar to those revolving doors.  If you're not careful, you get in this trap of "entering a building," getting "your foot in the door" so to speak, but yet you've never ENTERED the actual building.  But because you are actually moving (in a circle) you've found a way to convince yourself that you're "progressing" or "being productive" yet your final result is that you still remain "out." 

    That's been my reality since taking my "Journey" a year ago.  Yes it's true that I noticed a counter-productive pattern in my dating/relationship that ran deep to a point that I decided to attend a personal growth seminar for the first time in almost ten years.  For the past twelve years I was committed to Christ, and actually I still am.  It was my so-called commitment to Him that caused me to conclude that I didn't need to devote any time to personal growth.  BTW, it wasn't that I "noticed" this pattern, I finally got to a point in my life where I was being honest with myself to admit that such a pattern existed.  God only knows that anyone who pointed this out to me before I admitted this to myself received my emotional and verbal wrath.

    Personal growth and human potential courses were introduced to me a long time ago when I was introduced to multi-level marketing.  In most MLM trainings elements of personal growth are included because of the emotional pitfalls that is synonymous with working within an MLM structure.  MLM is not a "typical" sales job, it's a business where the probability of success is correlated with the individual involved.   In other words, the chance for success in MLM can only go as high as the self esteem of the person running their MLM business. 

    So in most MLM companies, in addition to training in basic sales, product knowledge, and company policy/procedures, they'll include sections on personal self-improvement.  Now, one does NOT have to be in MLM in order to learn about self improvement.  Just take a trip to any local bookstore and go to either the "Self Help" or "Self Improvement" section of the store.  Go to a local FedEx Kinkos store; what books are available for sale there?  Any company that's interested in increasing productivity will consult w/a personal growth coach for their employees. 

    I'm currently not involved w/MLM, but I'm an actor and writer who only worked locally in the Bay Area and only done a substantial amount of work during the past 3 years.  I don't work for a company, I don't have an agent, and I'm mostly on my own.  Plus my relationships or a lack of one was getting me to a point of frustration.  So after I dated this person for a month where the end result was rocks thrown at my Honda, I decided to contact an "upline" from the MLM company I used to worked for 12 years ago to see if he could help coach me in two main areas: my career and my relationships.  That began in May of 2007.   I attended a conference in Norman Oklahoma called "View From the Edge."   This is an "edutainment" type of class; in other words, it's a show with a point.  Sorta like performance art but a LOT more expensive.  Come to think of it, it was pretty much performance art, but the audience paid a LOT more than the average $10-20 sliding scale, "no one is turned away due to lack of funds" performance art show.  I was encouraged to follow up with that course by taking one titled "Journey Beyond the Edge" later on in August, but since I was tentatively scheduled to be in Singapore during that time, I initially declined.  Then following the audition process with Theater Training and Research Centre in Singapore in July and getting dropped from Fly Entertainment in Singapore at the same time caused me to give myself a "birthday present." (My birthday is in August)  That present to myself was enrolling in "Journey."  It was a very nice gift to myself because this course was held at the Gainey Ranch Hyatt Resort in Scottsdale Arizona, and after class time, I indulged in the amenities of the resort.  On top of that, since my roommate spoke Spanish fluently, we got additional goodies from the Spanish speaking staff members there.  It was nice to be spoiled. 

    So a month after I went to "Journey,"  my friend Mandy from Denver visited the Bay Area and needed to be picked up from SFO in order to attend a "PSI 7 Success Course." Of course I was gonna inquire about it.  Unfortunately she told me very little about it.  Her only response to me at that time was "y'know, for someone who's taken another growth seminar, you still have very scattered energy." At that time, I'm thinking to myself how "brainwashed" and overzealous she's became.  Also at that time I was accepted into the program at TTRP in Singapore.  So after getting accepted, I went through the application process for long term residency in Singapore which included signing a waiver to allow the government to cane me in the event of commiting a crime. Then for some reason the application didn't go through, so I resubmitted again...and again...and again...and again until TTRP contacted me and postponed my enrollment w/them because I was not able to meet the deadline.  So I re-applied to the Singaporean government...AGAIN.  Then on Thanksgiving week, TTRP contacted me again to let me know they didn't just postponed MY enrollment, but they postponed the program indefinitely altogether and for me to check back with them in July 2008. 

    I told those closest to me that by the time May 2008 rolls around, there will be two possibilites for me: either I'm settled in Singapore by then or I'll be driving around in a new car in California indicating that I'm no longer going to pursue living in Asia.  What happened after the Christmas holidays was my trip to Asia.  I went to Asia with the intention of that point to either take one last shot of finding a way in, or say my final "goodbyes" to the friends I've made there during my frequent visits there during the past two years.   Not to rehash an old story, but while attending a show at the Singapore Fringe Festival, my trek to the venue enabled me to have a moment of clarity.  You see, prior to the Singapore Fringe, I was in regular contact with the artistic director of the local theater company that was running the Festival.  Not only was I attending the fringe, but I also wanted to see if there were any opportunities with his company.  Well after meeting him that evening and exchanged more contact info, I left the theater and realized the huge blunder I made in trekking to the theater from my hotel.  When I returned to my hotel, I contacted Mandy in Denver to enroll in the course she took, but had to enroll in their "PSI Basics" first.  Long story short, I became known in the PSI Denver office because I enrolled for a Basics to be taken in San Francisco at the Denver office while being in Singapore. 

    Why did I decide to sign up for that Basic course while in Singapore?  Mainly because that was the point where I decided that I would no longer knock myself out trying to move and settle out there.  So once I made peace with that decision, another question followed me.

    What am I going to do NOW??? 

    That's a great and legitimate question that I had absolutely no idea what the answer was.  For each visit I made to Singapore, I took a step closer and closer in settling there.  The third trip there, I secured an agent with Fly and upon returning to the Bay Area, knocked myself out following their demands before visit number 4: enrolled in a film class, assembled a demo reel of my filmwork, obtained new headshots in color, and lost as much weight as possible.  The agent I was going to work with took a medical leave before visit number 4, and her successor was not interested in working with me.  Visit number 5 was my audition with TTRP and the incident where this lady shopper unknowingly fractured my left foot.  So here I was asking myself what am I going to do next after receiving that epiphany while on visit #6.  All I could do at that point was to enroll into what was called "The PSI Basics" which was scheduled for the first weekend in March 2008.  Then I contacted my Sihing Garin to let him know that I was available to help escort the 08 Miss Chinatown USA Pageant during the CNY season which was in Feb 08.  So when I returned to the States in mid January, I returned to my routine at Seydways Acting Studio while preparing for CNY.  Oh, and researched all available cars. 

    The Basics caught me unexpectedly off guard.  I was sooooo exhausted doing double duties during this past CNY as a Miss Chinatown escort and as an active Yau Kung Moon member.  So when I received a call from Sara in Denver about the upcoming Basics in March, my response was, "that's not until March, Sara."  Her response : "March is TOMORROW!"  The structure of the Basics goes Thursday and Friday evenings.  All day Saturday and Sunday, and information/certificate nite Wednesday.  To be honest, I did not pay any attention until AFTER Saturday evening.  That following Sunday when they announce enrollment for the PSI 7 Success Course (the same one Mandy from Denver was on her way to back in September 07) guess who was the first in line to enroll?  I was bummed that I couldn't enroll in April due to a scheduled film shoot, and May 4 couldn't come fast enough. 

    Now if you're wondering why I decided to go into the direction of taking the PSI courses instead of returning to Marc Accetta and his training program that I taken with him a year ago, it had a lot to do with application and freedom.  Without divulging details, PSI Seminars isn't affiliated with any other company other than their PSI World which is a non-profit outreach group.  Mr Accetta's trainings are exclusive with WorldVentures and Liquidity International.  He was generous enough to allow me to train with the wonderful folks at Liquidity at both the View and Journey last year in 07.  However, I felt that as long as I was not going to be a part of that company, I did not want my participation there to be a source of distraction to the other attenders.  Plus the training is catered to the direct needs of the company and to the members being trained.  Yes I received a LOT of useful information about myself last year while training with them.  It was a personal decision I made because the sections that were focused exclusively on application to downline and upline weren't applicable to me personally.  Plus a few members expressed some reservation of my participation there and not being a part of their company which is understandable.  I'm not going to be distracted or be a source of distraction.  The Accettas and Monico Perez has my utmost gratitude. 

    No, I cannot discuss the contents of either the Basics or the PSI 7 courses.  What I can tell you that my first day at PSI 7 STARTED positive, but gotten negative immediately.  First, the application I filled out to enroll was returned to me so I could "fill it out properly."  That was accompanied with a set of name tags with my name misspelled.  Then upon returning the application, I was told that my app still wasn't filled out properly so I had to redo my application.  Then when I returned the application, the person who received my application treated me as if he didn't speak to me before, so I reminded him that this was my second trip to his station.  He ignored me and then asked me why was my nametag misspelled.  So I turned the question back around to him because if my application spelled my name a certain way with my own handwriting, and the staff spelled my name differently, who's fault is it????  He smiled and assured me that it would be corrected "asap."  That was only my first hour there.  I realized that it was going to be a very long day.  Then the three instructors assigned to teach us were people whom I was ready to pounce on at the end of that evening.  Long story short, those three instructors that I wanted to whoop on so bad that first day, were the three people that I hugged at the end of the week with a LOT of gratitude towards them. 

    At the end of this month, I'm scheduled to attend the Mens' Leadership Seminar also located at the High Valey Ranch.  No, I have no idea what to expect when I get there, and as I'm STILL processing all that I learned from the PSI 7, I'm now prepping for the MLS at the same time. 

    So with all these flurry of activities, I finally have an answer to that one question I asked myself in Singapore before enrolling in the PSI Basics, haven't I?

    NOPE.

    Not once did I truly answered that question, "so what now?"  Yes, I've decided to no longer pursue a life in Asia, specifically Singapore.  And yes, though I asked myself that question back in January 08, I do realize that it's now June 08. You could look no further than my 2008 VW Rabbit as proof that I have no plans for myself in Asia.  So do I have a better idea of which direction to go as a result of all the classes taken? 

    Yes.

    So what now?

    Yesterday during my regular class meeting at Seydways, I approached one of my classmate and acting colleague about her interest in a play.  If there is anything I got out of the courses I took with Mr Accetta and with PSI, it's this.  I AM responsible for whether or not I perform as an actor.  Period.  Not the casting director, not the producer, not the theater company's artistic director, not the agent.  I AM the person responsible for my income.  I AM the person responsible in whether or not I find "Ms Right."  I AM responsible for my writings and whether or not it gets published, produced, and exposed.  It falls all on me.  Five years ago, I began writing scripts with that same approach so I wouldn't be so reliant on other people.  Then I stopped writing 3 years ago playing "victim" to my grief. 

    So as I begin preparation for PSI MLS, I'm also taking steps to begin to wear another hat in my life: Producer.  Yes, I've directed stuff in the past.  Yes, obviously I've performed already in the past.  But this is the present here and now and I do have all the resources within myself in order to make things happen.  Stay tuned for information on my upcoming production of Danny and the Deep Blue Sea by John Patrick Shanley starring myself and Cassandra Marie Lambert.  Director TBA.  Location TBA.  Oh and yes, I realize I have unfinished business from 5 years ago too.  Babbling On(line) will be completed soon too.  That, I promise to all my cast and crew who devoted their October 2003 weekends. 

    So here I go.  Back to Life, Back to Reality.  With my thoughts leading the way, one thought at a time, one step at a time, one peak at a time.