i've vented several times in the past about friendships gone sour or flake and fake friends.  you know, the kind where their talk is merely that, but actions are nowhere near.  and then when they do some sort of remote favor, they tend to remind you endlessly what they did in order to demand whatever favor they need in return from you.

these past two years have tested every friendship and acquaintences i've met over my lifetime.  when your parent goes into hospice care and eventually moves onto the afterlife, i guarantee that your relationships will be tested. 

so this past year, i recognized a new category to place people that i communicate on a semi-regular basis: the "frenemy."  ever met one before?  they pop into your life more often than a mere casual acquaintance, but if you considered them to really be a friend of yours, you tend to want to shoot either them or yourself.  if you ever seen the godfather 2, al pacino tells one of his elder mentors about how his father advised him to keep close to your friends, but keep closer to your enemies to make sure you know their next move.  they're the ones who pretends to be your friend, and some of them are convinced that they are, and often you convince yourself that they are.  however, more often than not, after contact w/such folks, you tend to your wounds as a result from your encounters with them. 

in my case, my frenemies called me because: 1) they needed/wanted something from me or 2) they "were bored."  they had no trouble telling me what was wrong with me.  according to one of them, i was "too winded to be able to hook up w/anyone new."  then there are those who expect me to accompany them for whatever event they're interested in, yet when i invite them to something, it's a "i don't like___" kind of response.  what's more, as an actor, i observed that if i have a show or something released, the frenemies are those who verbally commit their attendance but are a "no show." 

when my mom passed away last year, the unfortunate aftermath was the rearing of the frenemies' ugly heads.  most recently, on a conversation w/someone who was "bored," and called me, when she labeled me "non-practicing christian," i asked her WTF???  she brushed me off, deleted me from her myspace, and stopped all communication. 

so what happens when you realize you have more frenemies than friends.  the best logical solution is to handle the situation as if you had more enemies than friends.  BEFRIEND the gun.  that way, you'll have control over what will ultimately have your back.

i planned at least a month for the date: september 11, 06, the fifth year anniversary of 9-11 and the openning monday night football game for the oaktown raiders against the chargers.  it was supposed to be a competitive game.  i sacrificed a monday class to goto the game.  even though i missed monday's class, i'm required to pay for the class whether i attend or not.  i even bought two tickets because when i ordered the tickets online, i was to make a minimum of two ticket purchase.  i eventually sold the extra to a scalper. 

the damn game wasn't even close.  punting 3 times in one quarter alone is unacceptable for a professional football team.  watching the chargers having their way with my beloved team resembled de la salle high school football going against a mediocre high school team on its way during their 100+ game winning streak. 

during the 2nd quarter, i kept on mumbling how i couldn't believe i gave up going to class to watch this debacle.  i felt cheated wasting my money on catching that game.  and on top of that, i'm forking out another fee for a class i'm not even attending. 

so i left at halftime and went to class.

even though my team wasn't conducting themselves as professionals, it doesn't mean i have to not conduct myself professionally.  i have an obligation to my classmates and scene partner as if i was working on an actual production with them.  my craft comes first before my devotion to a football team who can't reciprocate their loyalty to the town that made them.  i attended the game cause i felt the break and catching the game would nurture my artistic side. 

nurture your craft, and you'll nurture your artistic endeavors.

i think i went just a little bit overboard today.  just a slightly teeny tiny bit overboard.  it was all innocent enough.  pay for class registration.  (btw, i'll be occupied mondays, tuesdays, wednesdays, fridays, and saturdays) i did.  then i had my usual saturday breakfast at 2pm.  (no, i normally go at 11:30, but i was registering for classes)  stopped by the new place to pick up the keys. 

then it happened...

a week ago, i accompanied my friend to the music store because she had to pick up some accessories for her guitar.  well one thing led to another, and i'm grilling the staff there about beginning music lessons and all that.  needless to say, the conversation haunted me for the entire week as i was preparing for the move to the next bart station neighborhood.  so i went to another music store today to grill another personel person about the ins and out of guitars and guitar playing.  turned out to be the owner. 

ok, so i don't know how to play my new instrument...YET!!!  hence why i'm booked during the month of september on saturdays.  i'll admit that i'm a very slow learner.  ask any of my kung fu brothers how long it takes me to learn a new set or a new drill or a new lion dance routine.  ask my acting coach of two years how long i've been working on my stretch area.  remember, i'm not the most patient person in the whole world either.  so why did i do it? 

i always wanted to learn an instrument since age 14.  that was "14" years ago.  of course growing up in an asian family on a budget, the yearning was out of the question.  (the same goes for my wish to become an actor too)  so music lessons and acting lessons were out of the question back then.  plus my grades back then sucked. 

when my folks passed on, i determined that i would not hold myself back in any way.  they worked their asses off for my sis and me, but they never made it to that dream trip to asia they kept aiming for.  i made up my mind that i would experience life to the fullest in every way possible.  this past year, i've been working on my acting instrument (basic fundamentals) in order to prepare myself in taking my acting to the next level.   i'm still committed to that since i did register to take classes to continue working on my fundamentals.  so why take on something else?  first of all, i feel that this is going to enhance and expand my range as an actor/performer, not distract.  secondly, the more skills you learn, the more opportunity you'll get to create for yourself. 

a year ago, someone suggested that i learn another language in order to create more opportunities for myself as an actor.  today, i took the first step.  music is a language. 

dun worry, i still have my mandarin for dummies book too!

ok, most folks usually hand out, go out or whatever for their birthdays.  i packed.  remember? i'm moving like 5 minutes away from where i'm at.  actually i didn't really pack.  it was my birthday after all, but i did sort out clothing that i no longer wore.  it was a trip to come across clothing items WITH TAGS still from MY LAST BIRTHDAY!!!  it was like openning presents a second time but without the wrapper and box and all that. 

i didn't really celebrated or acknowledged my birthday last year for obvious reasons.  (see june 22, 05 entry if you don't know)  so i was pretty oblivious to what came around that time of the year.  if i vaguely remember, i switched my class schedule at seydways from monday classes to wednesday classes and chilled the following weekend at the oakland streetfest.  (my last one as an oakland resident) 

this year...well i went out to dinner...sorta...technically not on my actual birthday, but technically (if like technicalities are that important) like at 12:05 am on aug 25.  i was so caught up during the day answering phone calls and sorting through paperwork and clothing that i barely managed to get myself like 5 minutes late to powerabs class, then bodybar class, then cardio kickboxing class.  (yep, for my birthday, i did a two hour workout!!!)  agreed to pick up a friend from the airport which turned out to be delayed, hence the late dinner or early breakfast.  regardless, i had the best duck in oakland i've had in a long time!  (new gold medal located at the old sun hong kong restaurant) 

thank you all for the cards, wishes, calls, myspace greetings, and even the cake.  NEXT YEAR, hopefully i won't be packing to go anywhere.  i promise, an earlier start!  after all, my birthday will fall on a friday!!!

in the meantime, i haven't had THAT burger yet!

i workout not just for the sake of fitting my clothing, but for the sake of complementing my favorite hobby: FOOD  call me what you want, a spoiled child who never missed a meal in his entire lifetime during his childhood because of his restaurant and food careered parents and grandparents.  add to that the fact  i've dated some pretty high maintenance ladies in the past who enjoy the finer things in life, i learned to appreciate food.  now, i'm still learning how to get used to the spicy-hot stuff, but overall, i do enjoy eating.  for me, a dating relationship could live or die according to the last meal shared together.  yes, food is important. 

i love food so much that i cannot pick a "favorite food" or a "favorite restaurant" because i'll find something to enjoy.  well, maybe not a fast food joint or anything like that, but you get the picture.  i have moments where i'll crave the darndest thing and will go all out to find what i'm looking for. 

for the past 4 months, i've been receiving acupuncture and herbal treatment to help get my liver, kidneys, and digestive system back on track.  i figured that the older i got, it was bound to decline.  so during this past 4 months, i've been restricted on certain foods in order to not counteract the treatment.  alcohol was one of the main items, but since i was on a self imposed wagon for over 6 years, missing alcohol would not be a dilemna.  it was the "cold food and beverages" that was the major challenge.  going through this summer with minimal ice cream...excrutiating!  no jamba for breakfast, hard!!!  but my most ultimate challenge from this ordeal:  burgers. 

i can eat a burger.  it's just that i grew up with certain traditions when it came to having a burger.  burgers must be drowned in ketsup, fries and/or onion rings must be crisp and hot on the outside and "melt" on the inside.  most importantly the MOST ULTIMATE companion to a burger:  THE MILKSHAKE.  yes, as a certified chocoholic, it must include chocolate.  i remembered cancelling an order at in and out when they announced that they ran out of chocolate and would i like strawberry or vanilla instead...YEAH RIGHT!  

however for the past 4 months...

i made futile attempts to have a burger w/o a chocolate based shake, and it reeked.  as a "compromise," i ordered a burger, fries, and a HOT CHOCOLATE.  that didn't work out too well either.  it's like having a philly cheesesteak w/o a rootbeer and/or dr. pepper. 

why all this ranting about a milkshake and burger?

i want one and i want it NOW!!!  what i'd do in order to goto a bill's burger, or a jeffrey's, or a val's right now and order up.  yes, i'm craving a burger right now and YES, that's with a milkshake godammit!!! 

anyone up for a trip to val's? to jeffrey's? to bill's?  email me.

having returned from l.a. l.a. land this week, i learned a helluva lot about myself with the assistance from a very lovely friend.  (before you ask me why not pursue her if she's that grand, let me tell you that without a foundation of friendship, NOTHING will ever stand)

1) i have a long way to go in order to become a gentleman.  i was doing things out of habit i wasn't aware of that bothered her and afterwards, i now wondered how much it bother others in the past who didn't speak up.
2) ditto for my listening skills.  ahhhhh the ever so skill that you think you have a grasp on, but don't.  in my profession, it's a must to listen.  especially in the improv sense.  pay attention and listen to your scene partner.  that's a fundamental, but it may sound bone-headed, but it's also a must to pay attention and listen to your friend in front of you.
3) certain things, i don't thoroughly think things through.  when you have a 6 hour drive to and from a location, and a 3 hour wait for a ride, the "hard questions" asked are questions that indicate whether or not a situation has been thought out or not. 
4) other times, i don't take enough risks.  i'm a "creature of habit."  on any given day, time, location, you could pinpoint exactly what i'm doing, eating, ect.  nothing wrong with that, BUT with her and from this week, there's a whole world out there waiting to be explored and tried and experienced. 
5) i tend to look into things and jump to conclusions that aren't actually there.  yes, i learned to be a cynic and my guard is up constantly, but sometimes, ok, maybe most of the time, things should be accepted at face value w/o suspicion. especially when coming from a friend. 

so yeah, a lot of revelation churning while on this so called vacation.  i was supposed to relax and enjoy myself instead of knocking myself out to make a good impression on a friend for the sake of "brownie points."  not trying to make any excuses for myself, but yeah, she is a great gal, and awesome friend, and very beautiful inside and out, and yeah, i did let those facts cloud my behavior at times sometimes for the worse results.  but overall, i did have a blast and so did she. 

when so beauty was released on dvd awhile back, i felt a sense of deep loss because the film festivals were not warming up to it.  but from all the screenings, and the overall positive reaction of the audience, i'm happy with what the response has been so far. 

this past friday, a special screening was hosted by the santa clara university food and wine club along with the sale of the dvd's.  since i was gone from the dvd debut last may en route to singapore, i had not seen the cover of the dvd.  to my shock and surprise i was on the cover.  i remember walking in, and vy pointed out to me the cover and was like, "hey, there you are!  yaaaayyy!!!" and initially i was pretty embarassed. 

at the conclusion of the screening, there was a quick q and a session, and then a handful of folks bought a copy of the dvd.  i spoke with several members of the audience about the acting process i went through in order to work in the filming, and explained to them my background in stage improv.  so as we were leaving, vy was congratulating me on how well i did in the film and pointed out that several dvds were sold that night.  i wasn't too enthused at the results. 

no one asked me to sign their copy of the dvd cover. 

that's right, for someone who was initially shocked, embarassed, and shy from the fact that he was on the cover of the dvd, i didn't handle the final situation well.  truthfully, i don't know if i would have actually signed it or not, but it would've been nice had at least one person had asked.  if my face is gonna be on the cover, i may as well sign the damn thing right?

a lot has occurred during the past month.  actually that's putting it very mildly, a LOT has occurred during the past YEAR.  but i'm going to focus on the past month.  in the beginning of june, i returned to the u.s. determined to return to singapore on a long term basis under the guise of an actor AND as a writer.  i haven't changed course on that one bit. 

i also left certain things in an ambiguous term: i met someone in singapore.  she was special in the sense that spending time with her WOW'D me big time.  we did not date or anything, but just spending time with her was a very special moment.  i was sorry that nothing beyond a friendly time spent together developed, and yes, meeting her did create an urgency to return to singapore sooner. 

but i realized that i lost focus on who i am and what i was supposed to do.

i'm a storyteller.  i act and i write.  it's my passion in life.  take that away from me and i can barely function as a person.  i'm determined to create and share my stories and other stories written by others based in s'pore.  this person i met there during the last trip has no bearing on that.  if her and i were to meet again, it'd be nice if something were to develop further, but i cannot and will not let that deter me from what i'm supposed to do. 

during the latter part of june, i participated in the next big bang asian american theater conference.  it was my statement to my acting and writing peers that I'M BACK. i'm not going anywhere.  i took some time to grieve and it is still an ongoing process now, but i am back, i'm going to act, and i'm going to write, so help me god.  they announced that there will be an asian american theater convention and festival in new york next year, and guess what?  i'm going to make sure i'm there as BOTH a performer AND as a writing contributor.  so that means that until i get back to singapore, i'm working.  i'll be working.  i may not be paid a salary, but i'm working right now. 

so there's my top three "TO DO" list:
1) Find a way back to Singapore
2) Find a way to perform at the NY Festival next year.
3) Have a piece of my writing find its way to the same NY Festival. 

i will be taking a "raiders kickoff" break during football season though. 

speculate all you want about my 2nd trip to singapore, but this time around, i'll take whatever means to make my 3rd trip there long lasting, permanent.  my only complaint about there is the lack of beaches for such hot weather.  i met some friends who actually grew up in s'pore and want out.  why? because they're seeking a "simpler" less demanding lifestyle.  ironically enough, that's the reason why i want to move from the states to s'pore.  it's all a matter of perspective i guess. 

i went to singapore to look for a job there as an actor.  i was asked point blank by a talent agent there, and i answered her bluntly, because i fell in love with the environment in s'pore.  i have a better chance to work as an actor there than i would here in the states.  that's an actual fact.  plus, i'd like to have some time to focus on some writing.  i haven't written anything since mom was in hospice care. 

most importantly, the bay area is becoming stranger and stranger to me.  all that's familiar is constantly changing.  even my extended family, "yau kung moon," is going through changes.  add to the fact that very soon, the oakland raiders will no longer be  "oakland," what's really there for me here in the bay area?  job opportunities as an actor?  we just went over that.  housing?  don't even go there.  you can't find anything for less than $400K in da ghetto part of oaktown.  (and those are condos!!!)

it's time for a new chapter to unfold in my life, and right now i cannot think of anywhere else that makes sense for me to move to in order to begin it.  i'm not as good looking as a model, so l.a. is out for me.  if i can't stand the pace in sf, how could i possibly handle the pace in ny or chicago?  and it's not like singapore doesn't have their fast-paced business district.  they do and they're able to keep up w/the likes of hk, shanghai, tokyo, ny, sf.  how else could s'pore thrive if they didn't?  the difference is that it's more artist friendly than most metropolitan u.s. cities.

plus there's the god thing.  during this 2nd trip to s'pore, i had planned on going buck wild while there.  problem was i attended church service while there, PLUS i stayed at the metro ymca that had a lot of visiting missionaries.  you could say that the influence was...well...for the most part...influential.  (hey, i dunno...)  since my trip, i've been wearing a band on my wrist that i received from a church that i visited there.  it's not that god is absent while i'm here in the u.s. though from past entries, you'd think that.  it just seems that being in a different country tends to help you refocus on a spiritual level.  why would i want to give that up when all i do here is develop my cynicism and pessimism? 

so this is not a goodbye to the bay area quite yet.  there's a waiting game goin on right now.  i hate to wait. 

People often wonder why I'm so adept to the Hawaiian culture for over the past 2 or 3 years, and often assume that i have some sort of familial ties to the Islands.  The truth is, I don't. 

One day I walked by Kaleo Cafe on my way to dinner when I was still living in the Richmond district in San Fran.  They were nice enough to let me use their restroom although I was not a customer.  I promised the worker there that I'll come back another time, and he suggested to come by when they have live music on the weekends.  When I did stop by again, I was greeted by "Aunty and Uncle" Smith who performed a hula, as well as the owner, Kumu Kawika Alfiche. 

When I was working for the school district in Oakland, I was often
overwhelmed by the demands of an economically disadvantaged urban
environment.  I loved my job then; the kids I was assigned to work with
were the most charming kids to come out of Oakland.  They reminded me a
lot of me at their age, but between the bureaucratic b.s. and the
neglect from their environment, it took a toll on them as well as on
me.  By the time the weekend rolled around,  I was pretty burnt out and cynical with life.  So my ritual of visiting Kaleo was a sort of recharge for me.  The Hawaiian music was so beautiful, that all the pressures and demands from work dissipated.  I may not have understood all the meanings of the songs, but my optimism returned after hearing it! 

So the answer is "NO," I'm not from Hawaii nor do I have family from there.  It's just that growing up in an urban environment, especially in Oakland, you can get so jaded and cynical at times, and as a Christian, it could produce negative results on your outlook on life.  I would have to say that at times, the culture and the "ohana" environment of the cafe help me save my sanity.