Typed: 3:30am Singapore Time 17 Jan 08

I went to see The Necessary Stage’s production of Eclipse as a part of the Singapore Fringe Fest.  I’ll go into more details about the show itself at another time, but getting to the show was a journey within itself.  In the end of it all, I could only laugh at the trek and at myself.

I make every effort to stay somewhere on Bencoolen whenever I’m in Singapore because of its central location and because it’s in the middle of what is considered to be Singapore’s art’s district.  This is the 2nd time I’m staying at the Summerview Hotel.  It’s relatively inexpensive for the most part, and I have access to the Bugis district as well as the arts district.  So for those of you who know Singapore, try not to laugh so hard at what I’m gonna say next. 

The show was playing at the theater in the Singapore National Museum.  I looked up the location on the panoramic map provided by the Singapore Fringe Festival’s events information and concluded that I needed to take the MRT to the City Hall station.  So I trekked to the Bugis MRT and got off at the City Hall station and went into the Raffles Mall.  I followed the signs out of the Centre looking for Stamford Rd where the museum is located.  From 7:30 to about 7:45 (the show begins at 8pm) I wandered up and down Stamford Rd and eventually gave up, returned to the mall, then hailed a cab.  The cab driver misheard me and took me to the Singapore Arts Museum instead.  We couldn’t figure out why it was closed, so he asked me if I was sure it was the Arts Museum, and I told him the “National Arts” museum.  So what was supposed to be a $3 SGD cab fare eventually became a $10 SGD fare instead.  Since it was already 7:58 at that point, I had no time to protest the misunderstanding and discrepancy. 

Once again, I will review and reflect on the play itself at another time, so let’s “fast forward” the evening:

So after the show, I exited the museum trying to figure out the best way to get back to the hotel.  I decided to walk along the main road outside of the entrance to the museum when I realized that it looked very familiar.  About a block away was the Kopitiam that I frequent on a very regular basis which is located on the corner of Bras Basah and Bencoolen.  The Kopitiam was located about 2 blocks away from the Summerview.  So if you did the math, my hotel was located only THREE AND A HALF BLOCKS AWAY from the venue.  Basically, it took almost an hour, a subway ride, some pedestrian wandering, and an inflated cab ride to TRAVEL ONLY 3 BLOCKS!!!  Yes, I have to admit I felt a little stupid in all of this. 

To top if off, only two weeks prior, I was poking fun at my “Singapore Sis” because when she assisted me in purchasing the ticket for this event, she was confused as she was not familiar with the "Singapore Natural Museum.”  So guess who was the first person I shared my personal blunder with.  With the grace she had, she did not remind me of what I had done to her at that time, but she posed an interesting observation: (direct quote from her SMS)

It’s funny how one might think a place is far away but in actual fact is so near.  I guess it’s philosophical too.

Indeed it is applicable to more than one thing.  So after dinner as I unwound at the hotel room, I contemplated my life especially during the past two years.  I had been determined to move to Singapore shortly after my mother passed away.  I’ve accumulated enough air miles to probably redeem for a free roundtrip somewhere.  I’ve gotten new headshots to accommodate one of the local Singapore talent agents a year ago; I worked around the clock to put together a demo reel for them; I’ve frequented different live productions with headshot and resume in hand; I auditioned for a local professional actor’s training program in Singapore, which included an English exam in order to get a student visa; back in the Bay Area, I took as many courses, labs in order to work on my vocal, movement, and articulation skills; all of this because I wanted to find a new “home.”  I was so eager to start a new life at any cost, but the problem was I never really began to live the life I was given here in the SF Bay Area. 

One of my recent favorite books, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman describes a time when Dan’s mentor quizzed him constantly.  Socrates, as he was affectionately nicknamed would often asked Dan for the time and his location. 

Socrates: Where are you?
Millman: At your service station.
Socrates: WRONG.

Socrates: What time is it?
Millman: About a quarter after-
Socrates: WRONG!

Of course at the end of the book, Dan Millman eventually gave the answer Socrates was looking for:

Socrates: Where are you?
Millman: HERE
Socrates: What time is it?
Millman: NOW

Such a simple concept, yet a very difficult way to live, isn’t it?  I should know because I haven’t lived in the here and now for almost the past two years.   Yet my line of work requires from me a presence in the exact moment.  How ironic.  Now I’m not saying that these past two years, I wasn’t present in the “here and now,” at times I was very present.  Like experiencing my feelings that first time I met Jenniffer during my 2nd trip to Singapore and the aftermath; or soaking in and reviewing the knowledge from my personal growth courses with Marc Accetta; or simply working on my craft of acting with Bobby Weinapple, Leticia Bartlett, Barbara Scott, Regina Saisi, Ava Victoria, and Daniel Gamburg; or allowing myself to be “kidnapped” by Gift and Alex to do some crazy food trek; or passionately debating with my Singapore Sis over everything from theology to history; I was very present in the here and now during those times.  My favorite part of this trip was in Thailand because I spent the entire time there in the “here and now.” 

So if there was ever something I needed to bring back from this “holiday,” (as a local Singaporean would say) it’s this: in order to live in the here and now, you have to hear and know.  But you can’t really hear and know until you live in the here and now.

Funny how it works like that.  I guess it's philosophical too.

Typed: 3am Singapore Time 15-Jan 08

This was the first time in my life that I began a new year on an airplane.  No countdown, no fireworks, no watching KRON countdown, no watching drunk idiots puking on the street.  I along with almost 200 other travelers was en route to Hong Kong.  There was no reason for me to goto HK, other than the travel agent threw it in when I initially booked my trip to Singapore for the 5th time in 2 years.  I guess it’s a benefit when you travel somewhere as often as I did. 

My Christmas consisted of a workout and takeout food.  No family, and all close friends were scattered all over.  First and hopefully the only Christmas I’ll ever spend alone.  The closest thing I ever had to experiencing Christmas without family was when I was required to pull a double shift at my first job (movie theater) It sucked missing Christmas then but at least I got paid.  Somehow watching the racist scene in A Christmas Story repeatedly throughout a day can take its toll on you.  The trip to Asia was a Christmas gift from myself to myself.  So it was no big deal that I knew no one on the plane when we transitioned from 07 to 08.  Actually, I met someone who was pretty cool on the flight though she wasn’t supposed to be sitting on my row, and had she stayed on her seat, I would’ve had the whole row to myself.  But I wasn’t gonna be greedy, so splitting 2 seats each was still nice.  I slept anyways.

I haven’t been to Hong Kong in over 10 years.  So it was very refreshing to catch up with someone from that period.  When my friend Edelweiss asked me if there was anything I wanted for lunch, dim sum was a no brainer!  There’s no way I was gonna visit HK and not have dim sum.  Besides, I was only there for 2 days.  I did learn one lesson: do not stay at the hostels in ChungKing Mansion.  To this day I do not know if I actually stayed at the hostel I was scheduled to stay from my travel agent.  Also, I remembered during the SARS crisis, ChungKing Mansion was notorious for its high rate.  So you could imagine how paranoid I was when I was fighting my flu symptoms while the roomie next door was hacking up his own set of lungs.  What a sight to see.  Hong Kong still reminds me of Chinatown where hardly anyone speaks English.  Being at Tsim Sha Tsui is a challenge alone as you’re fighting off the Indian/Pakistani immigrants peddling their fake Rolexes.  Since HK wasn’t really a planned trip, I had no agenda goin for me.  Unlike 10 years ago when my 3 weeks in HK was totally planned out for me.  This time, I had 3 days with no set schedule.  Then it hit me.  I became enamored with a task to find Chinese New Year decorations with either Mickey or Jerry the Mouse.  (Happy Year of the Rat Everyone!)  When I saw an image of Mickey and Donald playing a lion, I HAD to find the image.  As I’m typing this from Singapore, I have yet to accomplish my task.  I concluded that I would leave HK with no substantial souvenirs until I came across the Official Beijing Olympic shop.  Lets just say I added to my panda collection. 

I only stayed in Singapore for one night when I arrived.  I unpacked my luggage at the Summerview Hotel and was disappointed when that “free amenities of wifi” turned out to be 5SGD per half hour.  So much for free, but I had to unload my suitcase to get it under 15 kg for my morning flight to Bangkok.  With less than 48 hours before I took off from SFO to HK, Kit and I were trying to persuade one another to meet up at the other person’s Asian destination.  I was in Singapore and I wanted her to meet me there, she was in Thailand and wanted me to meet her there.  Long story short, she won.  After spending 6 days in Thailand, all I can say is this was one argument that I’m glad that I lost.  Non-stop eating 24/7.  It was to the point that her family wondered if I ever had a chance to eat in the States.  Let me explain further, I was told that good Thai etiquette was to accept everything offered on my plate.  On top of that, my limited crash course on Thai was “alloi” (“delicious”) So basically, that’s all I said.  And it wasn’t that I didn’t mean it, everything I ate there was awesomely delicious.  The problem was that I neglected to learn the word for “full, thank you.”  I recommend Thailand if you love eating and if you love stories and legends.  Oh, and the women aren’t so bad looking either! 

This trip to Singapore was the free-est in the sense that I did not have to worry about auditions, meetings, networking or attempted match-making.  It would’ve been even more enjoyable had the dollar been stronger in the World Markets.  (thanks a f*cking lot, BUSH)  It was about shopping, eating, and waking up deciding to do whatever came to mind.  Oh, and to spend time with a special someone.  No I’m not with anyone; you don’t need to be romantically tied to someone to consider them special.  It was like a year and a half ago, I cynically concluded in confidence to my close friend that there would never be anyone of the opposite gender who’ll “WOW” me.  Not anyone from my serious past relationships, casual dating, or even crushes has caused me to simply go “WOW.”  Then on a Sunday afternoon in May 2006, I went to church service at FCBC.  If you’re familiar with church service, you know there’s a point after the opening songs where you’d introduce yourself around the people nearby.  Well this person sitting behind me simply said, “God bless you” to me, and my life had changed dramatically. I’ll admit, there were times during this past year and a half where I had hoped something would develop between Jenniffer and myself because spending time with her during my visits to Singapore is a major highlight for me and specifically those times were moments where you wish it’d never end.

When I booked this trip to Asia, I initially booked it with the intention that this was a last trip there for a long indefinite time before I’d return.  My acceptance to the Theatre Training and Research Centre in Singapore had been in limbo from the get-go, and enrolling would be too much of a personal cost for me.  So I concluded that I’d have no reason to return to Asia for awhile.  Truth is, all this planning and attempts to move to Singapore for the past two years did a disservice to myself and my life.  I was never present this past two years.  Yes I’ve worked on my craft.  Yes, I worked on personal growth.  But my eyes were focused on the “when I move to Singapore” vision.  I neglected the vision of the “here and now.”  So Jenniffer asked me what my resolution was when I returned to the Bay Area, and I told her that I only made a daily resolution and not a yearly one.  That means don’t ask me what I plan to do when I get back to the Bay.  I’ll do what needs to be done once I’m there.  But right now I’m “here” in Singapore, and “now,” it’s time for me to sleep.

OK, so this is the time of the year again called Christmas.  What exactly does that mean?  Does it mean family coming together?  Does it mean giving and receiving presents?  Does it mean eating to no wits end?  How about feeding, donating, or volunteering to those less fortunate?  What exactly does it mean when someone hears the term, "Merry Christmas?" 

To be honest, I can't wait til Christmas is over and done with.  It has been nothing but a distraction in the worse way.  Traffic and stress has increased, more people are hitting others for change and lay a major guilt trip when the answer is "no."  I notice an increase in road and parking rage.  So where is this so called "Merry Christmas?"  Christmas?  You could have it.  I don't want it.  There is so much unnecessary pressure on people during this time of the year especially to those working class with families.  And God forbid to those who don't have much family left around. 

This society has created such a trap for ourselves and the only ones who could free ourselves from such a trap is us.  However, do we take measures to free ourselves or do we continue to wade ourselves deeper into the trap?  Take a look all around you.  What do you see?  You see people pounding their chest showing the world how wonderful they are simply because they spared a few hours during this month "helping those less fortunate."  Oh wow, I'm so impressed.  (Please note sarcasm here)  Or what about how some people "suffer" simply because they "sacrificed" their time ringing a goddamn bell on some shopping corner to get other people who don't give a damn about others to throw whatever change they could spare.  All of this is going on while some rich shopper is avoiding eye contact with a homeless person as they're speeding towards their luxury sports utility vehicle. 

"Merry Christmas?"

It's not so much a "why," but more so of a "how?"  How does one have a "Merry Christmas?"  What exactly is Christmas anyways?  And why have we been avoiding the phrase "Merry Christmas" and replacing it with "Happy Holidays?"  If we think that we're really avoiding offending others by replacing a catch phrase, then we're only fooling ourselves.  Let's say that we replaced "Merry Christmas" with "Happy Holidays" in order to avoid offending those who aren't Christians.  Yet, we see an increase in road rage, stress, and lack of compassion while others are beating themselves on their chest showing off how "generous" they are simply because they "spared" up to four hours of their time in the month of December.  And with all of this, people are LESS OFFENDED.  Please.  Are you the group of investors who recently purchased the Golden Gate Bridge?  How naive can you be? 

But let's go back to the question, what exactly is "Merry Christmas?"  First of all, lets take a closer look at the origins of this holiday.  One does not need to look further than wikipedia.  Quickly take a look at what it says.  In essence during Charlemagne's reign, he decided to incorporate the Birth of Jesus with other Winter festivals in order to evangelize his non Christian subjects.  The "merry" was from the traditions practiced before from the other Winter Solstice festivals.  Recently, there's been a movement here creating this sort of social "tug of war" between Christians and non Christians.  Christians lament over the "secularization" of Christmas.  And I agree that from what I see during this time of the year, it's easier to point out the negatives that is displayed in humanity, in particular the materialization.  We live in a consumer driven society and our consumerism will drive anything once considered sacred into something material.  This is the reality we face now.  However, for those of us who takes the time to read up in wikipedia to look at the origins of Christmas, we see an attempt to join Christians and non Christians together to celebrate and be festive together.  The question is what is there to be festive for?  Let's take a look at the Christian belief of the origins of the birth of Jesus.  This is all under the premise that you believe in God.  God humbles himself into becoming one of his own creations: as a fallen human being.  (Philippians 2:6-11)  Now if we're familiar with stories and mythologies, one might assume that this God would, as entering into the world in human form, do so with splendor and hoopla, but he doesn't.  As the story goes, this particular baby is born literally IN AN OUTHOUSE for animals.  So for those of you who seen Manger scenes, scratch that.  Now that's humility.  (Provided that you believe the story is true) 

So what does this all mean?  Once again, what is "Merry Christmas."  The way I see it, when you add the historical account of the origin of this holiday, the intentions, and the current state of this holiday it's this:  Christmas is the coming together of EVERYONE to CELEBRATE and BE FESTIVE in the ACT OF HUMILITY TO SERVE OTHERS. 

Then why am I so anxious to get Christmas over with?  Is that what we really do?  Are we celebrating the act of being humble?  Or are we stewing over the fact that the store is currently out of stock of the Wii.  Maybe we're stewing over the fact that our "enemy", Cousin, Auntie, Uncle, Brother, or Sister (fill in the blank) will be there Christmas dinner?   Is that really celebrating humility?  How much humility is required to look at another human being in the eyes when they struggle day in and day out for shelter while you have a home? 

So lets get this "Merry Christmas" over with and quickly.

Then we could celebrate and practice humility day in and day out.

Merry Christmas.

dear mf:

i had a wonderful time during my weekend visit catching up with you and the family.  initially it was devastating when you initially moved out of state so close to the untimely death of my mother.  it's not that you planned on taking off during that time, it just happened.  of course with my classic paranoia, i took it as a sign that the higher power that be had it in for me because of the circumstances. 

i never had a chance to thank you for all the food provided by you over the years, and for me to pick up the tab for just that round of drinks for lunch during my visit seemed so minuscule.  i know i've thanked you countless of times over the weekend for your generosity and especially for introducing me to authentic texan bbq.  (YUM!)  i'm thinking of all the times at todais, sweet tomato, the two chinese restaurants, on the border, and applebees.  you set an example for me to show that food and fellowship went beyond feeding the physical hunger, but nourishing the spirit as well. 

throughout our meals, i've poured out my heart, insecurities, confessions, rantings, and you sat there patiently, never judging me, never condemning me, but being a living example of what the true definition of grace is from a theological perspective.  even when i ranted about others who were clearly at fault which you acknowledged, you always pointed out to me what i needed to do though i hated the idea of doing so: giving them grace. 

eventually, you began to entrust me with information that you were responsible for, once again building me up by trusting me.  i learned a lot about church politics and i realized that fellow christians are human too with the same flaws as myself and everyone else around me.  i mean, yes its a fact, but through you, it was a fact that i eventually learned to accept. 

most importantly, not only did you teach me to learn to accept other people around me who pissed me off and to give them grace and forgiveness, you eventually taught me to give grace to the most importantly person in my life: myself.  throughout my christian walk, i kept this dark secret about myself that i never told anyone and it was weighing me down like a ton of bricks.  i was so petrified that had i shared my secret with anyone, i'd be persecuted from other christians to oblivion.  my other fear was that my secret was committing "the unforgivable sin."  when we met for lunch at that chinese restaurant with that hot and sour soup and i simply blurted out that i felt that god indeed committed one mistake and that mistake was me, i thought i had alienated myself from the fellowship of other christians.  so you could imagine how shocked i was when you looked at me squarely in the eyes empathetically and APOLOGIZED for all the hardship i gone through that caused me to come to such a conclusion.  you see, i've dropped hints to my former pastor, and without coming out specifically, i was already subject to verbal condemnation.  i knew his intention, and even you pointed out his intention was to let me know that my fear was far from the truth, but the end result was that i felt worse off emotionally.  even when you "assigned" me the eckman study guide, and i was being VERY cynical to what was taught, not once did you lose patience with me. 

i still remembered the one time where i had to put that grace lesson you taught me into real practice.  the christmas story incident.  out of normal past patterns of how i used to handle things, i can honestly say that had i reacted the way i used to react, there's no way i'd be typing this, nor experience texan bbq at this point of my life.  when you made announcements in reaction to what was presented, i initially jumped to conclusions about how you were feeling and reacting.  luckily, you taught me to cool off before confronting the issue...well actually, you were always trying to teach me to cool off before reacting to situations.  i'm glad took the time to cool off and EDIT the initial email to the pastoral staff.  i'm also glad that i went to our usual meeting session shortly afterwards.  during that meeting, i learned a new lesson: LISTENING TO ANOTHER PERSON in time of conflict and misunderstanding.  we both know the result of that incident.  i finally took the (literal) plunge and got baptized in water.  i couldn't think of any other person to baptize me other than you, and even now, i still can't think of anyone more appropriate to do so. 

i'm glad you opened your home to me because i really felt like i was at home.  dunno why other than when i'm around your family, i truly feel at home.  i think this is due to the fact that i really feel god's presence around us.  when i learned that you were moving out of the area, initially i thought "why god?"  but now after my visit with you and the family, i realized that i was in the same caring hands all this time that you were away.  the same caring hands were there while you took all that time supporting and encouraging me when we were in the bay area was there while you guys moved away. 

i don't think i would've known that had i not visited you.  thanks again. 

dear mf,

i can't believe it's been over 20 years since i was a wildcat.  last month i went to the 20 year reunion to see who'd be there.  of course it was mostly those who were considered to be the "movers and shakers" of the class.  it's funny, all these years of my involvement in the asian american community, and yet at an event where it was maybe 70% african americans, i still felt "at home."  a lot of it had to do with what i learned from you in your class. 

it's no accident that i was the only asian male student in your class of 30.  after all, you scared the crap outta all of us students on the first day with your standards and expectations from us. so in a panic of those wishing to protect their gpa's, 8 out of the 11 asian students transferred out of your class immediately.  i can still remember when i confessed to you a semester later that i too attempted to transfer out of your class on day 2; you laughed so hard.  being in your class taught me a valuable lesson about how misleading our gpa's were. 

i'm not sure if you purposely did so or not, but putting me in a group project with the starting linebackers of the varsity team intimidated the hell outta me.  but as you said, they may be on the football team outside of class, but in your class, we WERE the team that needed to work.  so as a result of the project, two people in school who would've normally not interact with each other because of race (black and asian) and social status(star athlete-non athlete), became school friends. i'm not sure if you intended to do so or not, but in regards to race relations, i was able to get a lot out of your class. 

you taught all of us in class that unless we develop our critical thinking skills, we would most likely get caught up in a destructive mob mentality and therefore, would give up our individual identity for a group identity.  it wasn't so much the books you assigned us that reinforced what you taught.  it was your anecdotes.  all your stories from you early days of teaching at mcclymonds high, how it was primarily african american, and as a result, lacked college prep courses.  how not only you fought and won to provide such classes, but how you developed your standards that scared us on our first day because like you said, "the world won't lower their standards for you, you need to RISE to them."  most importantly, you NEVER bought that excuse from the other students, "because they're black" as a reason for them not meeting your standards.  i guess because they eventually met your standards. in my case, i learned a similar lesson as my african american classmates, or perhaps it was the same lesson as theirs: "DON'T BUY DA LIE"  during that time, most of us at oakland high were taught that asians are "natural" at math and science, and african americans weren't naturally adept in academics, but athletics.  funny that such an assessment now would be frowned upon, but back then, we were taught that.  and you said that it was a lie.  well, it turned out to be a lie after all, but sadly, a lot of our peers bought that lie.  had i not taken your class, i too would've bought into the lie. 

i have a secret to confess to you: i was suicidal during those days.  why?  because before you taught me "the lie," i bought into it.  i was struggling with both trigonometry and physics so much, that everyone: my peers, counselor, parents, other family members were just constantly getting on my case.  i felt like such a failure and basically like some sort of an asian anomaly.  there's nothing worse than hearing on a daily basis from your own mother, "what's the matter with you?  why aren't you like___?  that's why your father is drinking more than usual.  he's frustrated with you not living up to your academic potential"  and i remembered that self hatred afterwards.  of course getting a "C" from your class didnt' help.  if THAT class was my favorite class (it was) why wasn't i getting an "A?" that was the argument that i was unable to win.  of course my mother wasn't attacking you. she respected you a lot because you once saved my sister from "da lie."  during the developing days of bilingual education, because of our surname CHIN, my sister was removed from your  english class and tracked into a bilingual english class.  you contacted my mother after you futilely attempted to get my sister out of that class and explained to her that the only reason why my sister was place there was solely because of her last name, and the school would do nothing without my mother's intervention. 

do you remember when you kept me from going to lunch?  i felt so busted when you said to my on my way out of class, "chin, c'mere."  it was instinctual to feel as if i done something wrong especially during those days.  the last thing i expected to hear from you was, "you're a writer, but you're lazy.  quit being lazy."  i remembered my response afterwards: "i'm flunking my trig class." and then you laughed.  you asked me if i was told that i'm "supposed to" excel in math and science, and i nodded.  you then told me "dey r LYING to you! you're a writer, actually you're a storyteller."  when i left class afterwards, i felt free. 

three years ago, i tried looking you up.  i wanted to let you know that i followed your advice to become a writer, a storyteller.  i written a play that was going to be showcased at one of the major san francisco theaters.  i was really excited at the possibility of you being able to see the fruit of your labor.  you could imagine the heartbreak i experienced upon learning of your passing while trying to locate you.  i don't think i ever taken the time to thank you for what you taught me.  though you may be watching me "from above" as i type this now, i would give anything to see your facial expression as you're reading this.  so i leave you with a quick synopsis about what my play was about that i wanted to invite you to.  it was about a student who didn't buy into "da lie." 

over the years, i've been very blessed by who's came and gone in my life.  it was just that these past two years, it was an easy trap to fall into by focusing on those who are gone instead of focusing on what they contributed to my life.  i look back at some of the darkest moments in my life and wondered why or how i was able to get through them and almost every time there was someone there or something someone taught me, or both. 

so in response to a book i read by anna deavere smith, Letters to a Young Artist i'd like to take the time to respond on a personal level.  who was i able to fall on during times whenever my so-called family wasn't available?  i had mentors, friends, advisors, teachers, and members of pseudo family.  most importantly, for those of you who don't believe in god or any sort of god, i can't help but refer to God my gratitude for putting people in my life whom contributed to my existence.  when i look back and reflect on those who crossed my path during crucial times, i can't help but conclude that it WAS indeed a "GOD thang," basically cause there's no any other explanation, and it's too much of a coinkydink otherwise. 

as i was reading Letters, i was reflecting on how anna smith or "ads" was pouring out her heart in writing her book in order to mentor aspiring artists such as myself though she never met me or a lot of the readers of her book.  yet, she took the time out of her busy schedule to do so.  but what exactly does she get in return for doing so?  then again, for those of us who mentor others, what was the gain?  yes, there's a sense of priceless satisfaction whenever those we touched upon thrive and excel, but there are times when we're not often available to witness such milestones. what then? 

have you ever read a book, and in the introduction of the book, there's normally a section where the author makes a list of those who helped contribute?  or do we tend to skim through that section because we want to get into the "meats n potatoes" of the book?  so since the month of november is considered to be "gratitude month" for those in recovery and in other spiritual programs, my xanga entries for the month of november will be different "thank you" letters to those who mentored me over the years. 

so first things first: how do we define "mentor?"  according to the Mariam Webster, it is defined as "trusted counselor or guide; tutor, coach."  i'd like to define it as one who contributed to the growth and/or success of another person by not only what they taught, but what they do.  in a lot of cases, people whom i refer to as mentors weren't teachers or coaches per se, but they might've said something to me or did something for me, or did something that i observed that had a major impact on me.  in most cases, they contributed to an attitude adjustment that saved me from self-destructive behavior.  or they inspired me to thrive and take a passion that i had to the next level.  i guess what i'm saying is that in a nutshell, i define mentor  as one who became a source of inspiration in one way or another. 

with that said, expect to see different letters for the remainder of the month to "mf" (no, it does NOT mean "mutherf*kr)  it's two folded: male/female, and mentor/friend.  with that clarification, enjoy the letters, and please, if you read any of them and feel compelled to write someone a letter of thanks, do so, cause if there is one thing i learned during these past two years, it's that life is too short.

i didn't realize this, but its been three years since i sat down at home, relaxed on the couch and enjoyed a pint of ice cream.  perhaps it's even more than three, but for sure i know it exceeds three years.  have i had ice cream during the 3 years?  of course.  but to pick up ice cream from somewhere, bring it home, put it in the freezer and open the carton up to have at home has been somewhat of a foreign concept to me during a 3+ years period. 

if you know me well enough, you'll know that i have a list of ice cream places to frequent and frequent frequently.  (hahaha)  once upon a time, i'd open my pint of ben & jerrys or hagen daaz, and sit in the comforts of my couch or bed and contemplate that "it's not the same as ____"  actually, it isn't the same as a Fenton's or a Knudsens, or Tucker's, or Poly Ann's or Mitchell, or...well you get the picture. 

so for the past 3+ years, my ice cream appetite has been fulfilled at one of the aforementioned institutions.  nothing wrong with that.  in fact, there's nothing better than to order a specific sundae or a special scoop with that freshly made waffle container.  believe me, it's an experience to be able to enjoy your favorite flavor at one of those places. 

just earlier tonite, kit gives me a pint of hagan daaz to take home, and when i got home, i enjoyed a pint in the comforts of my own home.  it was a familiar feeling and i contemplated why it took so long for me to savor such a moment.  it may not seem like a big deal, but there's a sense of security of simply eating ice cream at home.  i lost track of such an activity.  growing up, my evenings consisted of watching sitcoms and enjoying a bowl of ice cream following a ritual of homework.  that bowl was a reward from mom for a hard day's work at school and eventually at home.  tonite was a trip back to the past. 

in addition to working on my craft and on my instrument, i worked on myself.  i went to one weekend and one week long retreat to work on myself.  i think it's a disservice people make to themselves and to the entire world if they don't commit to growing in all areas of their lives.  it's a disservice to get complacent.  so i worked on myself.  i had to take a look at all of me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.  it wasn't a pretty picture in some areas, and it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be in other areas.  in other words, no one's perfect.  if i feel it's better to befriend an inanimate object such as a gun versus making friends with people, i can choose that attitude, but i need to be aware that i'm responsible to that choice. 

so yeah i'll admit, i spent this past year on personal growth in addition to my craft.  mainly because i had to walk the talk of "nurture the person, nurture the artist" philosophy i've been preaching.  and yes, unapologetically, i was taking these growth courses via a network marketing training program.  so what?  i've worked w/marc accetta years ago for a network marketing company.  when i found out he was still training, i contacted his organization immediately because i knew what was taught and reinforced would benefit me endeavors tremendously.
http://www.marcaccetta.com/pages/training/corporate-seminars.html

ok, so you're weary about those "pyramids" companies.  they're all talk and pump you up for no results?  fine, you're entitled to your opinions.  then how about listening to a computer science professor at one of the top universities in the country?  you won't listen to a self-made millionaire because he's involved with "pyramids," but i'm sure you'll listen to a professor at a prestigious university, right?  randy pausch is a professor of computer science at carnegie mellon university.  upon learning that he's suffering from pancreatic cancer, he decided to give his "final and most important" lecture recently and it made the news on abc news to the wall street journal.  though he's a professor of computer science, he doesn't lecture about computer science.  how interesting that is:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-5700431505846055184

i PRAY that you'll make and spare the hour and a half time to this lecture.  it can be a life changing talk. 

i'm back.

welcome back.

i'm reading some of my old entries of years past.  what a difference a year makes.  sure i should be somewhere else along my acting career, but i'm still plugging away.  i make no apologies in improving my instrument.  been doing that for the past two years.  i still have a little ways to go, but i'll get there.  believe me, i'll get there.  what's required of me to be an actor and a writer is demanding,  but not only will i meet the challenge, i'll get there. 

today is my 2nd day back from singapore.  for the first time, i was in singapore looking forward to returning to the bay area.  that's a first.  normally, i'm reluctant to head to the airport to return to the bay area.  not this time.  it wasn't anything negative or anything like that.  it was just different.  different vibe altogether.  it wasn't a vacation.  it was as if, i'm gonna be there for awhile, so why even bother treating it like a vacation when it isn't.  it's all work.  well of course i had SOME fun there.  but the bottom line was, i was there to work.  i did take a break from working out, but surely i was there to work.  and i got some honest feedback of where i stood: continue to work on my instrument.  continue to improve my attitude.  my sleep pattern is whacked outta shape right now.  but i'll be back. 

i'm am sooooo thankful.  nothing out of the ordinary.  but i've read my past blogs.  too much focus on what's wrong and very little on what's right.  so i'm thankful.  i'm getting healthier.  i'm still enjoying food.  i have opportunities to work on my instrument, my craft.  i can only get better.  what's not to be thankful for?  and yes, i'm relying more on that "three-lettered word that starts with a 'g.'"  and no, it's not a "gun" either.  much much more powerful den dat.  this past week i got to enjoy all the wonderful cuisine of singapore.  dis week, i'll spoil myself w/the bay area's best as i've done all my entire life.  next week, two days in l.a.  what's not to be thankful for?  right now, i'm financially taken care of.  i have close friends in both america and asia.  what's not to be thankful for? 

bear in mind, this switch didn't happen overnight.  it took work.  it took lots of tears and frustration.  i look at my past blog not with regret, because i was being honest at that time.  and i'm thankful that i'm open and honest about what's going on inside.  but focusing on what i'm thankful for has switch things around.  no, it's not perfect, but being thankful helps coping w/an imperfect world.  i can't wait to go back to class.  i can't wait to begin working again.  i can't wait to audition anytime anywhere.  i can't wait to go back to church.  all in all, i can't wait to see what new opportunities await me. 

all this as a result of focusing on what's there to thank god for...

much cheaper than prozac...

am i?

i asked this question to a friend recently.  without hesitation, she answered with a quick "yes."  now i didn't pry the answer too much out of her, but her reply was pretty loaded.  just what exactly do i say or do to warrant such a quick response with that answer. 

little things that mean little to nothing to others can be a big deal to me.  i'm not gonna lie about that.  i'm sure that something that doesn't catch my attention may be someone else's priority.  that's just life.  i became an actor because i knew that i was more sensitive than the average person.  i'm straight, not gay, but been mistaken alot because of my sensitivity.  i went into acting because i was merely trying to create some sort of cohesive productiveness out of what people thought was a weakness of mine.  but does my sensitivity causes me to be too sentimental for my own good? 

i'm a nostalgic person.  i tell stories or write about them hoping that others who read or hear my stories would feel the same way as i would as the story unfolds.  i'm devastated when the response is nominal.  i give people 2nd or 3rd chances when perhaps they didn't deserve them merely because i remembered something positive they did for me, no matter how minute it was or how long ago it occurred.  but does that make me too sentimental for my own good? 

last year when my mother passed away, i made a vow to myself that i would no longer live life the way others lived it, no matter how financially broke i'll end up.  i was gonna treasure the memories meaningful to me because life is too short, and to live in order to create new moments to treasure.  i also had to learn how to throw a lot of things away no matter how important it was to me.  i don't know how people could emotionally survive after losing someone that important in their life, then afterwards, have to throw items away that possess substantial meaning to them.  i truly believe that such actions kill a part of the soul.  it takes so much away. 

i'm a cynic.  even if something positive occurs, i during that time do now enjoy the moment for what it is, always expecting the positive to end, or anticipate the negative to follow.  my christian walk has always consisted of two types of prayers: 1) "thank you" or 2) "f* you"  and not a day is complete w/o my prayer each type at least once.  in the line of work i'm involved in, rejection is the norm, but i've tried fruitlessly to find another kind of work.  in addition to my mother's funeral, in 2005, i had attended almost 5-6 other funerals that year.  my ex gf of three years walks out of my life for good at the conclusion of my mother's funeral, and one of my best friend and i had a fallout such that we have yet to speak to each other.  i've became more cynical than ever after 2005.  for every positive thing that happened to me, there exist a negative episode directly or indirectly related to the positive.  so please excuse me if i appear "too sentimental for my own good."  those sentimental moments that i savor so much keeps me from pushing myself or anyone else off the edge of the bridge.  it helps me become less cynical.  it helps me to be able to pray the first type of prayer vs. the second type. 

so once again...

am i "too sentimental for my own good?" 

or am i a survivor?