Confucius: Never impose on others what you would not choose for yourself
Jesus: So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets. (Matt 7:12)
Cynic: S/He who has the gold, makes the rules! 

So what are the rules to live by?  As a Christian, we're taught that our greatest commandment is to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength and all your mind, and Love your neighbor as yourself." (Luke 10:27) and is that commandment contradictory to the "Golden Rule" that was told by Jesus?  Let's look closer...

Commandment: Love your neighbor as yourself...
Golden Rule: Do to others what you would have them do to you.

Pretty similar, isn't it? 

Sure I could bring up the "Ten Commandments," but we were given "the Greatest Commandment" as a response from Jesus when he was asked by his contemporaries whether there was a Commandment and/or Law that would sum up the original 10 Commandments and the other Jewish laws.  If you noticed, it was another way of saying the "Golden Rule."  Actually, my personal take on The Greatest Commandment is along the line of "Put God first in your life AS you practice the Golden Rule." 

The Golden Rule or a variation of it must've been pretty important, because it is considered to be the principle of 143 different religious and spiritual traditions as a declaration was signed and agreed upon back in 1993. 

But do we really live and follow this rule? Or is Murphy overruling our own U.S. Constitution, The Golden Rule, and The Greatest Commandment? 

Murphy's Law: If anything can go wrong, it will.

Seems to me that more people are living their lives according to Murphy's Law then any other law.  Think about it, do we make decisions of our day to day activities based on "covering our asses," or do we put forth an effort to treat others as we desired to be treated?  I mean, if we're making choices and decisions because we're trying to cover our asses, how did we come to the conclusion that we need to cover our ass in the first place?  Where did that reasoning come from?  If we're truly following The Golden Rule and/or The Greatest Commandment, would there be a real need to "cover our ass?" 

I agree, it is much easier said than done of living life according to the Golden Rule versus living life under Muphy's Law.  We all try in one way or another.  We try different religions, we watch shows like Oprah and Dr Phil, we read books(have you seen the "Self Help" section at a bookstore?), goto seminars, see therapists, take medication (legal and illegal) wiki it, google it, and yet, the moment something SEEMS to go wrong, we panic.  Then in spite of all our efforts, we begin to focus on what we felt we did wrong and start to beat ourselves up with an emotional battering ram.  We become our worse critic of ourselves.  Eventually we live our lives, unaware that we've given up.  Worse, we'll live our lives knowing that at some point we gave up, but we simply no longer care.  Next thing we know, we're making choices and decisions making sure our asses are covered or ensuring that we get what we believe we're entitled to, or that we make sure that whoever wronged us would gets theirs. 

I know, that was my life story.

When I was at the retreat at High Valley Ranch a couple of weeks back, I was introduced to "Rule 6." In a nutshell...

Rule 6: Don't take yourself so seriously.

In other words, "lighten up, get over it, laugh a little," ect ect ect...In some way it is a variation of The Golden Rule.  If we're more forgiving of ourselves, if we lighten up, wouldn't that affect our interactions with others?  I mean, whenever I lighten up on myself, things that other people do doesn't seem to bother me as much.  Most importantly, even if something were to go wrong, it doesn't have as much of an impact on me.

It was just a matter of time after leaving High Valley Ranch that I would immerse myself into the "real world" and have to deal with disappointments (Stars Agency deciding not to represent me) letdowns, frustration (my bank renewing a CD for double the time period I agreed with)  and having no control over other friends/people/family around you.  Within a matter of time, following The Golden Rule and overruling Murphy Law's becomes more and more challenging.  Then all of a sudden, just when I'm on the verge of forgetting all the possibilities and greatness that I discovered about myself at High Valley Ranch because of all the "real world craziness," God gently reminds me of all the silliness and says to me...

My beloved Child, don't forget Rule #6!

Then I'm able to goto bed rest-assured that Murphy's Law has once again, been...

OVERRULED!!!

My Singapore Sis often reads this blog.  Actually at times, it seems like she's the ONLY reader of this blog.  She and I aren't brother and sister per se by birth.  It was an evolving friendship over time that consisted of many theological debates and name calling cheap shots. (mainly due to my carelessness) But in the end, the person who sees me off at the Changi Airport is her. 

There are several times when I read the comments from her and say to myself, "WTF??? What the hell is she talking about?"  I know Singapore is an English speaking country, but the frustration is that the cultural differences between here and there affects the terminology, and I have no clue what she's saying, or she has no clue what I'm saying.  Actually, that also helped develop the "character" of our friendship or siblinghood over the years.  So not too long ago, I read a comment from her that kept repeating, Jia You! Jia You! Jia You! Jia You! Jia You! I'm like "what the fuck is she talking about???"  Finally a short time ago, I received this message from her:

Jia You means "don't stop," or "keep going!" Literally, it translate to "keep it oiled."

A few entries back I mentioned that I spent the last year on personal growth especially after briefly dating a psycho chick from hell.  I took a closer look at the situation and noticed that there was a pattern worth NOT repeating, so I contacted an old mentor from years past.  Marc Accetta was an "upline" from an MLM company I once worked for.  His mentor Bill Gouldd was the main trainer of that company and through his trainings, I learned way much more than sales.  I contacted Marc about a year ago thinking that Mr. Gouldd no longer conducted training on personal growth to help me take my life to the next level as an actor, writer, and in my relationships or lack of.  I would've continued to take courses through either of them, but when they got involved over a litigation battle involving the training materials, I felt it was time to move onto another source. 

So when my friend Mandy was visiting me from Denver a short time after my weekend spent w/Marc a year ago, she picqued my curiousity of her visit.  She was going to a personal growth training on a ranch up in Northern California for an entire week.  I thought the concept of her growth class was weird to me in the respect that 1) she was to be picked up directly from the SFO at 6am to be driven to the ranch and 2) she was not allowed to discuss any of her training to me afterwards, but she was "enlightened."  I'm like what the fuck kinda post-hippie new age crap group has she gotten herself involved with?  THEN, she told me that the name of the organization was called PSI Seminars.  I couldn't help but think, 'yup, she definitely got mixed up with the WRONG group here.'  So throughout the rest of the year, we'd often compare notes and what sort of "results" occured in the aftermath of our trainings.  My result was passing a very unusual audition process to be invited to work and study with a professional actors training company in Singapore, but after several futile applications with the Singapore government, and several enrollment delays with the training centre, I decided that at that point the best avenue for me was to remain in the States.  I took a "final" trip to Singapore this past January to say my "goodbyes" to my friends there, and if you recall a past entry about the "HERE AND NOW," I came to the realization that I could find what I'm looking for anywhere because what I was looking for came from within.  Well I never finished the entire story...

However, please read "HERE AND NOW" before proceeding further.

So after eating my dinner at the Kopitiam following the show where I took over an hour and 3 modes of transportation to find the theater, my Singapore Sis text messaged me something that caused me to reflect back on the previous two years.  I returned to my hotel room, contacted Mandy in Denver, and attempted to enroll into the course she took when she went to California.  Problem was, PSI has a structure such that there are prereqs to complete in order to take certain courses with them.  So I enrolled in their "Basics" during the month of March in anticipation to eventually enroll in the course Mandy took. 

I recently completed the course Mandy took, and I now fully understand why all the secrecy and why the isolation on the ranch to conduct the course.  The bottom line was that my experience and what I learned was unbelievable and beyond words to describe.  In the end, I was able to look at the things I done this past week and say to myself, "I did awesome!" and mean it.  More importantly, I was able to look at myself and say to myself, "I AM awesome!" and mean it from the bottom of my heart.  A very priceless experience I must say. 

So if you noticed, I too like Mandy did not discuss what occured during my week at the High Valley Ranch.  I look at it this way: I get a dream job for the company I been wanting to work for since childhood.  I know the application and interviewing and job screening procedures.  You also are interested in working for the same company and ask for the list of questions they're most likely to ask during the screening.  Would it be fair if I disclosed that information?  Of course not.  But let's say that I did disclose the information.  Did you get the job on your own merit?  So why would I provide answers to a test?  I say this with conviction because I know how much anyone could benefit from taking any of the courses with PSI.  If you were to take any of the courses, you would not maximize your benefit if I were to "give the answers in advanced" to you.  Had Mandy "warned" me about any of the contents prior to my attendance last week, I know the accomplishments I made there wouldn't have felt as fulfilling.  Likewise, I will do my best to answer questions to any of you without talking about the actual courses.  Yes, it's going to be a challenge, but I feel that the maximum effectiveness of the courses is predicated on the confidentiality of the class. 

This past week totally blew me away.  As I stated earlier, this was the first time ever that I was able to look at myself and say to myself, "I'm awesome!"  It's a priceless feeling to experience and I'm very confident that any of you would have the same reaction.  Personal growth isn't about getting wealthy although one of the aspect is about building economic equity to your name.  It isn't about becoming famous as an actor, though it is about commitment to always work to improve your craft.  It isn't about getting the right relationship but it's about being the best person you could be and to avail yourself to others.  It isn't about tapping a personal spiritual genie, but it's about improving your relationship with God.  It's about a balanced growth in all areas of your life, and we never stop working on that til the day I die.

...jia you! jia you! jia you!

Initially, I was reluctant to help out my lion dance team in performing for the Olympic Torch festivities.  My politics leans towards my own personal ideology of justice.  Some of the movements I support include: Tibet's Independence, the return of the states of Dakotas to the Native American, the sovereign movement of Hawaii, the independent state of Palestine, Myranmar's end of martial law, and Taiwan's independence.  But the torch coming to SF was going to be a once in a lifetime kind of event, so I eventually came to perform. 

There were at total of 6-7 different lion and dragon dancing troupes present at the ceremony at Justin Herman Plaza that afternoon, and in the beginning we had a section where we were performing.  But once the torch was lit and the torch left McCovey Cove, the protesters came en masses to interrupt the entire event.  So when we began our 2nd round of performing and to get closer to the mainstage, we were mobbed by the protesters.  Now remember, I support what the protester demanded.  They want the Tibetans to be able to exercise their existence without interference from the Chinese government.  Fair enough.  It's been clearly documented that China's human rights record is nowhere near exemplary.  So it's safe to assume that they demand that the Chinese government should
allow the basic Human Rights as described in the United Nations
declaration of Human Rights to the people in China, and in Tibet.

When I visited the Hunan Provincial Government banquet, I addressed in person to the risk of my teammates from The Salvation Army.  (I spoke about sacrifice and Jesus and tied it to religious freedom)

Don't get me wrong, I am totally CLUELESS about China's involvement w/Darfur, and I am interested in knowing more about China's role there.  I only say that because I saw a large constituent in regards to that issue. 

I'm a lion dancer, and the lion dance and dragon dance has NOTHING to do with the Chinese government.  I'm not a part of the Chinese government, and I'm not a part of China.  I can also speak for most of those who participated in the lion and dragon dancing. THEY are also not a part of China.  So you protesters had absolutely NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER to push us, spit on us, taunt us, damage our equipment, kick us, hit us and call us "Chinamen" and what not.  Let me ask you mutherf*kers something: you're demanding human rights, but you deprived us of ours?  WHO THE F*CK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?  In the midst of the pushing, kicking, and hitting, I witness a mother holding her 6 mos old child being pushed around by the protesters.  Yeah, you're really practicing human rights there people. 

Personally, my take on the protesters is that they're a group of racists who are holding onto an excuse to openly discriminate against Asians, especially Chinese.  They don't really give a rat's ass about the rights of the Tibetans at all.  Any protesters demanding human rights would be the first to respect the basic human rights of others.  That was certainly not the case yesterday.  Oh and the protesters who are coward enough to cover their faces during the protest, if you're really stating your case on behalf of who you're protesting for, what are you afraid of that you don't want to show your identity?  Let's be real here, you only showed up to f*ck sh*t up for the sake of f*cking sh*t up.  You are man enough to take on any of us face to face.  (Of course not, you were too chicken sh*t to show your f*ckin faces)  Oh, wait a second, you did remove your bandana that was covering your face when I walked by carrying our lion head so you could spit on my face.  Whoops, my mistake, you did have some courage taking a shot at me when my hands were occupied. 

So protesters, I'm putting you on notice: I'm not against you because of your stance; I'm on the same page as you are supposedly.  The next time I see some "Free Tibet" "Human Rights in China" or "Shame on China" tshirt wearing person with a bandana, I'm making sure the favor you gave myself and my fellow lion and dragon dancers is returned 10 folds.  It's not politics, it's personal. 

I knew her parents were gonna strangle me for getting her that gift, but I had to do it.  Although it could easily be viewed as a parents' nightmare, it was a step of faith.  Let me share a story first before I continue on:

A farming town was experiencing a major drought, and the local farms and businesses were suffering as a result of it, so the council held a meeting in order to find solutions to address the problem.  Some thought shipping water in was a solution, others thought damming a river was another.  Finally the town preacher suggested that the town meet the following day to pray for rain.  The town laughed until the mayor agreed to try it first but added that the townspeople were to bring their item of faith with them.  So the following morning the townsfolks came to the city center along with their crucifixes, family Bibles, lucky dices, rabbits foot, 4 leaf clovers, ect.  They prayed and waited for a week.  They met again bringing their items w/them until the town preacher stopped them.  "I know why our prayers didn't work last week and why it won't work now," he said.  "The Mayor asked you to bring along with you an item of faith, and none of you did."  The townsfolks was baffled at the comment, but the preacher continued: "not one of you brought with you an umbrella or a raincoat." 

So Sophia's mom was ready to strangle me when I gave Sophia her baby drum for her birthday.  Its cute to see a 2 year old banging away making a lot of noise.  It's annoying to the parents, that I know.  It all seems more than mischieveous if you knew the entire situation.  My friend, Sophia's mom is battling breast cancer and is scheduled for surgery next week, so giving her own daughter a tool to annoy the parents would be considered inconsiderate.  Naturally, my friend asked me why of all things to give to her daughter such a gift and my response was the story of the drought.  Then, I challenged my friend that if she wanted to get even with me for giving Sophia such a gift, she must "RETURN THE FAVOR."  I simply challenged my friend to get even with me.  "Now YOU have to wait until my firstborn turns 2, THEN you could give him/her that drum to annoy me and their mom."

Not only did Sophia received a drum as a present for her 2nd birthday, it "doubles" as an "umbrella" for her mother as she battles the storm or breast cancer.  It takes a lot of faith to not only get the gift, but to also posed her the challenge because my friend is under enough pressure as is already obviously.  And believe me, my friend has a right to be concerned not because of her health situation, but also because of my situation: a) I'm not married yet. b) I don't have any kids. c) Not only am I not married, I'm not even dating anyone right now.  So the real question is, who's umbrella is this actually? 

BOTH

My friend countered the challenge because of my situation.  She lives and survives, she WILL attend my wedding, be there when my first child is born, and when that kid turns 2, return the drum so my wife and I will be annoyed for never ending nights.  So I'd BETTER find that right someone soon, and I agreed with her and we shook on it. 

Just wait til I bring a DVD of Singing in the Rain with me when I visit her during her recovery phase...

I wasn't the one scheduled to take a bath.  It was Sophia who was supposed to bathe as soon as we got home from dinner at Cardinals. 

Awhile back, a friend of mine lamented on the costs of going out to eat dinner.  He commented on having to pay between a 25-30% gratuity.  So my natural response was "your cost for dinner is costly because you're overpaying the tip."  His response: "Jarrett, I have a 2 year old."  Until today, I didn't know what his comment meant until we ate at Cardinals tonite.  Today, I learned that 2 year olds detest sitting in a high chair.  I also learned that I could save on average of $300 per 8-10 weeks session on voice building if could just follow the advice on a 2 year old on letting loose on voice.  I learned that strapping a 2 year old to the high chair without their permission will trigger a tour de force onset of their vocal range.  Then, I learned that an average 2 year old will find a way to make a bigger mess than the initial food they were given.  (Is this some sort of an instinctual magic tricks done by little children?  How do that do it???)  The price I had to pay for all these lessons learned today: 25% of the total bill including the local sales tax. 

By the time we returned home, Sophia was wearing more of the food from Cardinals that she actually ate.  Therefore, it was bath time for her.  I didn't know that the water was required of a certain temperature before they were allowed in, and the whale thermometer was cute.  The rubber duckys were also cute as well as the Mickey Mouse sailboat.  Oh yeah, trying to keep the lather out of Sophia's eyes was the cutest attempt I ever gave in barking instruction: "okiieee, close eye eyes now." 

She didn't close them, so she started to panic a little.  During her little crisis, she made an inadvertent discovery.  After clearing out the lather in her eyes, she realized that the moment she hit the surface of the water, the water traveled everywhere.  And when she realized that I responded to that with ducking, she couldn't resist doing it over and over and over and over...

She discovered how to splash the water.

Finally when I returned her to Mommy after drying her, I was asked if I wanted to shower afterwards.  My reply was "no thanks, not only did I just have one, but I did laundry too!" 

When I first signed up for this blog, it was shortly after my breakup with Brenda (My last real relationship) and around the time I learned of my mother's cancer diagnosis.  Needless to say, my earlier blogs weren't the most positive in nature.  I even had an advisory message on there warning the potential readers.  I assume no liability if the reader gets offended by what I write.  Actually to this day, I still assume no responsibility of whether or not you the reader is offended or not.  I was taught a long time ago to "say what I feel AND feel what I say."  I feel whole whenever I take that advice.  I think that's one of the main reason why I gravitate towards acting and writing so much.  Saying what I feel and feeling what I say is more permitted in that arena.  It's also a way of maintaining some sort of sanity by having a forum to express your inner most thoughts unedited, raw, as is.  I learned the hard way by not figuring out a way to express it and repress it has more destructive consequences later down the line.  Here's the problem with the concept of "saying what you feel and feeling what you say:" (let's call it SWYFAFWYS) We live in a post Virginia Tech era.  People are more paranoid in journaling and blogging, perhaps more in blogging because of the ramifications of cyberspace.  At least with a journal, you're still responsible on whose hands it gets into. 

I write what I write whether it's a play, screenplay, prose, and some attempts at poetry in order to see if what I'm saying, feeling, observing resonates with those who are reading it.  It creates a form of a connection, a validation, or a sense of bonding whenever the reader could relate.  I'm able to process something within and let it outwardly while communicating it to others.  In the aftermath of Virginia Tech, potential readers are now required to forward "questionable" writings to authority in order to prevent potential violent episodes.  The problem is writing is subjective, interpretive.  I do not want to worry about whether or not a character I created would capture the attention of the FBI or any other authorities because I created him or her to be a certain way. 

I have re-written Classroom Drama for like the 5th time in 4 years.  I created a character Matt Ko based on a classmate of mine while at Cal State Hayward.  He was similar to me in the effect that we both grew up in Oakland, "in da hood," he was into poetry, spoken word, and bikes while I was into theater and performing arts.  We were both street savvy coming from Oakland, but I was almost 7 years older than him, so he had a tendency to jump the gun more often.  Unlike him, he rode a motorcycle.  He was pretty proud of that too.  Truth be told, we were both very sensitive, vulnerable guys, with layers and layers of exterior and walls.  In some ways, I sorta saw myself in him, but younger.  We also differed on spirituality: ("hey man, spare me that God sh*t, 'k?")  Though we studied at Hayward before 9/11, I decided to use a line for Matt that I overheard at my job at Lowell Middle School in Oakland: "I'm gonna 9-1-1 yo m* f*n a$$" 

Let me give you a little more backstory on this situation: When I was in class at Hayward, I brought up a printed ad to the attention of the class.  (The class was an Asian American Studies course) It was that of an Asian male with glasses with the caption: Your blind date has arrived.  With lasiks surgery, you could definitely see a way out of your disastrous evening.  When my professor asked the class for their opinion about the ad, the person whom Matt was based upon, declared that he should goto the agency who created the ad, the publishers of the paper, and the sponsor of the ad and "go M* F* POSTAL ON THE WHITE RACIST M* F*"  So when I included that segment into my play, I had the character Matt declare to "go 9-1-1 on the M* F*"   The only adjustment I made was that I replaced "postal" with "911" in order to show how the younger generation view the tragedy.  Plus if we were in that class today and was presented with that ad now, my friend whom Matt was based on would've said without a doubt something similar to the "911" comment. 

So if you're wondering if those re-writes over the years included jumping from "postal" to "911" in that particular section, the answer is 'yes.'   On my most current draft, I have Matt say "911."  Of course there are other adjustments to the script, but the "911" line tends to jump out the most.  When the play was workshopped back in 04, that line created an uproar among the audience.  Actually, some of the audience members asked about that particular line.  During the showcase at the Magic Theater later on that year, that scene was not included, so there was no controversy. 

But now I'm ready for Classroom Drama to be showcased again and submitted to the different theater companies nationally.  The last thing I need to worry about is some literary manager looking too much into that line and phone somebody.  I know some of you think, "it's simple, just change it back to 'postal.'" And I suppose I could.  But I do remember how real the incident was.  I remember the first time I opened the paper and saw the ad.  When my friend made his declaration to the class, a part of me on the inside was thinking, ' let's go, I'll drive.'  

Keeping the "911" line declares that I'm the one behind the wheel. 

Why didn't I?  I practically spent the entire month of February involved with the San Francisco Chinese Chamber of Commerce from 09 February through 24 February.  Ok ok, so that was just a little over two weeks with the organization responsible for the annual Chinese New Year Parade and the Miss Chinatown USA Pageant.  Actually if you include the orientation and the post-pageant appearances, it actually adds up to almost a month and counting.  So why didn't I talk about it much though it dominated my February schedule? 

First off, February was dominated by Yau Kung Moon's CNY performance schedule as well as my "rookie" escort year with Chamber.  I knew Chinese New Year takes a good 2 1/2 months of my life especially on the weekends, so I normally block that time out of my schedule each year.  Never mind that's about 1/5 of the year or 20%, but the reality is, CNY does takes away 20% of my year each year. 

Anyhow, so why did I get involved as an escort this year after a 12 year hiatus working backstage for the pageant?  Curiosity I guess...I always wondered what it was like to be an escort for the contestants.  I wasn't getting any younger, and I felt the time has come that I would soon be in a committed, long term relationship (hopefully) such that I wouldn't be able to serve in the capacity of an escort had that been the case(one can only speculate and hope...), soooo...  And besides, I spent the last 5+ years writing about my community, acting as characters from the community, criticizing the community,  performing for the community, but I haven't really worked with the community in a long time, and it was a long time overdue. 

The pageant is like any production I had worked on in recent years.  Whether it was for film or stage, the work commitment was the same.  With the contestants' public appearances, getting them to and from their hotel rooms, accompanying them to their shopping, rehearsals, MORE public appearances, performances and errands took a lot of work and commitment.  It was a job similar to most others that I took in relation to the arts/entertainment, with less focus on the arts.  (I remember on my first day of duty as escort and meeting the contestant from Chicago; after her mild protest on discussing deep dish pizza, I commented on how Chicago was the improv capital.  She was like "improv, what's that?")

In the beginning, meeting the demands made by some of the contestants became a major chore and sore spot for me.  I remember taking time off and visiting with my Bible study group venting about having to deal with some of them.  Then I also remember Daniel, aka "Lucky."  He was one of the escorts whom I've met some time ago through GRX Church.  He set an example for me in "serving with a servants heart," and not surprisingly, he was one of the most popular escorts among the contestants.  Whether it was him carrying a lot of bags for the contestants, sleeping on the floor in the escorts' room, or waking up at 6am in order to take the contestants to their workout, he did so wholeheartedly without an ounce of complaint.  In a lot of ways, it was as if I was served by his example.  And BTW, as my attitude shifted over time, the contestants who I felt were demanding in the beginning ended up being the ones I missed the most thus far. 

There were fourteen contestants this year, and here's my own personal breakdown on them.  (The title they won will be in parenthesis) It's kinda on the order of when I met each of them.  The key word is KINDA

Barbara Yeung: She's the one from Chicago who had me NOT talk about deep dish pizza and who wasn't aware of what improv was.  She reminds me of my biological mother whose American name is Barbara, and whose Chinese name is Yeung-Wan.  She was also the same height as her which made it even more spooky for me. 

Connie Chen: (4th Princess) I'm NEVER gonna look at the color green again and NOT think about her.  (yes, green is "growing" more sexy each time!)  Speaking of which, isn't today St Paddy's Day? 

Amy Chu: I'm not supposed to root for anyone during the pageant, but when you meet someone who went to both alma maters of mine, (Oakland High and CSU HAYWARD) it's hard NOT TO be a little biased.  Add to the fact that she is also a fellow lion dancer.  She's from da hood, y'know?

Ting Ting Chen: It's hard not to think about Ting Ting without Amy, and vice-versa. (hence, why I listed them back to back) They were practically "partners in crime" in addition to being roomies.  I never had a chance to quiz her on her acting knowledge though she stated acting as one of her interests.  I still remember the first time we met at Fong Bros. and she asked if I worked there or if I was an escort. 

Ting Ting Fei: from one "Ting Ting" to another.  I have the impression that her significant other works out a LOT.  He has to in order to carry those heavy bags for her.  I never met anyone who could spend two hours at a cosmetic counter...I'm impressed!

Ilyssa L: (Ms C-Town SF) It seems that Ilyssa was someone I got to know the least, but I do know she's an awesome pianist. 

Lanna Xu: (2nd Princess) Aspiring filmmaker, though I did not inquire about whether she would prefer to do narrative vs documentary.  She knows LA freeways like an local Angeleno even though she's from NY.

Ni Jiang: (Ms C-Town USA) Yes, currently she's the reigning queen and it was an honor and privilege to dance with her at the coronation ball.  Kinda awkward to be shorter than her though.  I was impressed w/her radio interview at Sing Tao even though I didn't understand a damn word. 

Francine Cheng: I dunno what the hell I was thinking, but I think I challenged her to a bake off.  Keep in mind, I haven't cooked a damn thing in three years unless you count jook.  What the hell did I get myself into?

Andrea Chen: (3rd Princess) Initially I was baffled at why she placed emphasis on the fact that she competed a year ago, but when she placed as 3rd Princess this year, she taught me a valuable lesson on learning from your experience and applying them to future opportunities. 

Ginny Wen: (Ms Congeniality) Yeah, shopping with her at Bloomingdales gave me feelings of "at ease."  She came across to me as someone who could hang out w/you at a sports bar or an actual sporting event. (RAIDERS)  She was NOT interested in spending 2 hours at the cosmetic counter, which earned brownie points w/me. 

Kelly Wong: She's someone who pops into my head whenever I see pink the way Connie does with the color green.  I still can't get that "I Could've Danced All Night" outta my head to this day no matter how many times I play the RENT soundtrack. 

Sheri Chang: (Ms Talent) I joked w/her about the cluelessness of one of the MC's not aware that his cluelessness literally screwed her over that night of the actual pageant. (I wasn't there during the night of the pageant because of a YKM performance)  When I said that Ting Ting C was Amy's partner in crime, Sheri was my comedic partner in crime.  I just sorta failed to tell her about the part about myself that I was once a standup comedian before I went into acting, and that's how I knew some of the comedians she liked. 

Tiffany Tam: (Ms Chinese Chamber) Like Amy, she's also someone I considered to be a "homegirl."  Anytime I talk to her, I'm reminded of the book, The Way of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman because of their commonality of being gymnasts representing Cal Berkeley.  I keep forgetting to recommend that book to her...

I don't plan on coming back as escort next year.  Not because of what anyone did or didn't do.  This is just something that I consider to be a "young man's game," and I suppose I'm conceding that I'm getting a little older now.  Plus walking the CNY parade twice (once for YKM, the 2nd time for MCU) requires a lot of energy also.  This experience kicked me in the tail because of my lack of productivity in pursuing my own goals prior to meeting all of the contestants.  So that's where my energy will be spent.  In pursuit of the prize.  Thank you ladies and fellow escorts for reminding me of that. 

Last week, I spent my entire weekend taking a closer look at myself via PSI Seminars.  I took their Basics, and was overwhelmed with a LOT of information.  After having done personal growth classes through Marc Accetta and Bill Gouldd,  I thought I had gathered enough information I needed in order to take my craft of acting, my writing, my relationships, and my life in general up to the next level.  Now why exactly would I take so many extremes to learn how to take my life up to the next level?  I guess because I take a look at the current status quo of the average person, and what I see is something I don't want.  That's the honest truth.  People should not be limited in living their life according to what resources are immediately around them.  If we're truly creation of God, and God is truly infinite and holy and according to Scripture we're created "in His image," then why can't our life be unlimited in potential?  Truth of the matter, our lives does possess an unlimited amount of potential.  Problem is, realistically speaking, "potential" can be translated into, "haven't done shit."  I'm sorry to sound blunt, but the truth is, because potential is unmeasurable, and people use the phrase, "s/he has so much potential," so often, potential is a word with very little value.  Especially the phrase, "s/he has so much potential," because the truth of the matter is that we all do.  Unlimited potential is a God-given gift to humanity.  The real tragedy is the fact that humanity with all the innovations over the years including the technology for me to post this, as a whole, wasted most of our potential.  Think about it, out of 6 billion people, most advances or innovation comes out of a few thousand?  Let's say a few hundred thousand out of the entire population, it doesn't even add up to ONE PERCENT. 

Now I know I mentioned in my last posting that I would get into the reason(s) why I have such a major trust issue with God.  Part of it is attributed to this reality, but the other reality is sadly enough, I'm a part of that humanity who's guilty of wasting unlimited potential.  So the question is really is my trust issue really on God or is it really on me?  A lot of my anger towards God isn't really the result of something God did per se, but from something that was done either by SOMEONE ELSE or MYSELF. 

I became an angry person over the circumstances of my family life and more specifically my adoption.  But was it really from God, or the results of decisions made by other people?  True, I didn't ask to have my original birth name relinquished, nor did I asked to be rejected as a human being by my biological father which prompted my mother to give me up for adoption in the first place.  But on the flip side of things, it was God's provision that I'd be adopted by the Chin family.  I bear the name of Chin; I even have the character for Chin tattooed on me as a declaration of acceptance.  And truth be told, perhaps maybe God needed someone like my "real" mother, Shirley Chin to be able to love me unconditionally because she had some amazing strengths as a woman.  And believe me, ask any of my ex girlfriends, I'm not the most easiest person to love. 

So forgive me if I go and invest $$$ on courses to take a closer, honest look at myself in order to take my life to the next level.  It's my way of showing a commitment to learn to trust myself, God, and others.  It's my way of pursuing all avenues to live my life to as much as my potential allows me to.  It's my way of keeping myself from giving up so easily.  And besides...

It's the least I could do for God, myself, and even YOU

I've been reading a lot of books lately.  Since I made that commitment to self improvement and personal growth, I've kept one end of the bargain on refining my "mental" levels.  The commitment required for the "mental" part of growth involved reading as many thought-provoking books as possible and taking classes.  Apparently, I've been sharpening my "mental" abilities for the past 3 years then. 

This last trip to Asia was blanketed with a lot of uncertainties  like with the writers strike and the limited opportunities in the SF Bay Area, what am I going to do in regards to finding work as an actor?  Or now that I made it clear that I withdrew from the programme at Theatre Research and Training Centre in Singapore, and therefore, I will NOT move to Singapore, where am I going to eventually settle?  Or when is the next time will I be actually visiting Asia now that I have no plans to move there.  Or after spending Christmas by myself, who is out there for me to share my life with?  But even with those questions lingering, I also made a commitment to focus on the here and now.  And I thought I did a decent job on that especially in Thailand. 

When I returned to Singapore after trekking through Thailand, I found myself blogging and reflecting for the first time in a long time.  A lot of ideas for plays, screenplays began to avalanche into my psyche.  I couldn't wait to return home to the Bay Area with all the ideas.  I couldn't wait to get over the jet lag when I returned.  So upon my return, I purchased several books within a two day period: Soul Cravings, Blue Like Jazz, Rich Dad Poor Dad, and Law of Attraction.  (I highly recommend that if you have a copy of The Secret, and you profess to be a Christian, then read that along with The Secret Things of God  by Henry Cloud, and with your Bible, which means you're reading 3 different items simultaneously) 

I've read dozens upon dozens of books on Christianity and Christian Spirituality over the past 2 years, and I'd have to say that Velvet Elvis and Messy Spirituality probably saved my Christian life.  Blue Like Jazz resurrected all the other areas in my life that I wrote off as being "dead."  Back in 04 and 05, it seemed like I was experiencing a major loss consecutively one right after another, and every positive gain was canceled out by another major loss.  For example, upon returning home from my trip to Kauai, I learned that my mother was rushed to the hospital 2 days prior.  Bear in mind that prior to my trip to Kauai, I had not flown or taken any non L.A. trip since 1997.  Or my first casting as lead for a stage production was preceded by the breakup with my last serious relationship.  But the ultimate kicker was my first cast as lead in a featured film was immediately canceled out by the death of my mother.  Then following the death, loss of home, loss of a lot of possessions that had to be thrown away for room, loss of a friendship, getting kicked out of grad school after only 2 weeks of enrollment, just one loss after another.  Perhaps the biggest loss following my mother's death was illustrated in an email I sent to my best friend/mentor/pastor who baptized me:

March 2006,
From this moment forward, I Jarrett K Chin am formally renouncing my faith in Jesus Christ.  I can no longer follow nor tolerate the life setbacks thrown in my direction during the past 2+ years...After tearful pleading for some relief to no avail, it is my conclusion that God doesn't even exist. 

I received no judgment after the email was received, but they did have one request: That I would go to a counselor to help me process the remaining grief.  During my 2nd session with the counselor, I simply vented on what was wrong with the world, people around me, my own mind, and especially "those goddamn church people" who were the most insensitive and self righteous people begging for some sort of random attack with their "holier than thou" attitude.  The counselor just simply nodded at me, picked up a book, and asked me "have you read Velvet Elvis? Pretty interesting stuff.  If you haven't read it, then that's your homework assignment before your next session with me, 'k?" 

I read it, and it resonated with me so much that I considered retracting my email statement and recommitting myself back to Christ.  But I didn't.  I didn't do anything until I received an urgent IM from a friend who was more new agey/wiccan type.  She was trying to get in touch with me because whenever she thought of me, she kept getting heavy dark shadows clouding her thoughts.  She didn't think much of it cause she knew that my mother had passed recently.  But one day, she saw that I was online, and when she tried to IM me to see how I was doing, her computer froze, and the shadowy thoughts became heavy and overwhelming to her.  Then she realized it wasn't the grief.  When she finally got in touch w/me, she was like "your spiritual being is in serious danger!!! did you walk away from your beliefs?  if so, GO BACK NOW!!!"  Yeah, I used to write off that friend whom I used to jokingly nicknamed "Ms. Hokus Pocus," but somehow, I took her advice very seriously immediately.  I did a quick prayer of commitment, apology, and confession.  Then she was like "some of the darkness is lingering, but most of it is gone.  Keep praying, bud." 

So once again, I became a Christian, but throughout 06, I was a VERY ANGRY ONE.  I'd refer back to Velvet Elvis and utilized their buzzword of authenticity and flexibility as a means to justify my angry feelings which would sometimes border on rage.  I visited Singapore twice that year, and the first 06 visit was overwhelming as this was the first time I met Jenniffer.  The 2nd visit to Singapore that year became more hopeful as an agent was willing to take me and help me find work there.  It was my "F* You" to my friends and family during that Holiday season that I'd start a new life and leave all those "ungrateful, insensitive, a*holes" behind.  My Christmas greeting was of me standing in front of a Christmas tree flipping a "double bird" and a big smile.  I was ready to write everyone off, especially my family who pretty much abandoned me after my mom passed. 

So with 2 weeks before Christmas, and I'm suddenly in the hospital with a mysterious infection, I had to reflect on what went wrong with me.  Of course the morphine helped too.  The bottom line was that with a routine infection that should've been resolved with a minor surgical procedure and antibiotics, escalated into the surgery scheduled to amputate my left hand 2 days before Christmas.  I remember hearing the news and panicking about the prospect of losing my hand, and when the social worker came into my room to assist me in filling out forms to be on permanent disability, I immediately made plans to save every pain and sleep medication I could get in order to take all at once and end it all at once.  On top of everything else, during my first 4 days in the hospital with all the overwhelming news, not one single visitor. 

I don't know what shifted my thinking at that point, but once the anger at God subsided, I picked up the phone and actually called for help.  I meant that I called for a more spiritual help.  I called every friend who was open about their prayer life and asked them to start a prayer circle going because up to that point, my hand was getting worse, not better.  Then something happened: I started to get visitors and "get well" gifts to the hospital.  But the best was yet to come: when my friend Vanessa learned of my pending fate, she took action and recruited our other friend Melinda to come to the hospital.  They brought oil that their pastor consecrated.  Yeah, they couldn't put the oil on the actual wound since my hand was wrapped in a cast, but they dropped oil into the cracks of the cast.  The following morning, the doctor opened my cast, and was astounded that my infection cleared up.  He declared that my "body finally accepted the antibiotics."   Words can't describe my relief the following day when I was released from the hospital. 

Within the following 3 weeks, I returned to the "angry, raging Christian" form.  Bear in mind, the first 2 weeks, I was "Mr. Gratitude."  But I was visiting a friend who was demonstrating the green screen effects on video editing and was using The Secret as the example.  I paid more attention to the content than the "behind the scenes" technical stuff, which says alot for those of you who see films, tv shows, and live theater with me.  So I tried following their suggestion of focusing on what to be thankful for rather than what was bothering me.  That's probably how 2007 became a year of growth for me, because from 21 January 07 until now, I listed at the end of the day things to be thankful for.  Even if nothing had occurred that day, something as simple as receiving an email would be listed. 

So with one setback having Christmas alone in 07, but starting 08 in Asia with friends, I felt very confident about the outlook in my life.  Yes, I began this entry with a lot of unanswered questions that I carried w/me during the trip, but unlike years past, I don't look at those questions with a pessimistic reaction.  So when I read Blue Like Jazz, I felt as if an unknown community was embracing me once again.  Then when I was finishing up the book last night, one of the entries that Donald Miller wrote screamed out at me:

God's love will never change us if we don't accept it. 

I'm sure most of your reaction is "duh," but for me, this is revelatory.  Not so much that I didn't know that prior to reading the statement, but after reading it, it became revelatory in the way that I realized why I refused to accept His love over the years.  Sort of like how the doctor reasoned that the infection became gone because my body "accepted" the antibiotics.  Whether or not the doctor was right that my body accepted the antibiotics or whether or not the prayers created a miracle (I believe that) has this in common: acceptance.  Nothing was going to change until either the prayer and the faith would be accepted or whether my body was gonna accept the effects of the medication.  Yes, the Apostle Paul said that NOTHING can separate us from God's love, but what Miller is saying is that though we're not separated from His love, we're not going to be transformed without acceptance. 

I read over 230 pages of anecdotes from Miller and all I needed to learned was just that one line.  Was it a waste to read those 230 pages?  Of course not.  Some of those stories/anecdotes resonated with me so much that all I needed to do was to replace the names of the people in his stories with names I'm familiar with, and the story becomes exclusively mine. 

My unacceptance on God's love and why is unfolding before me during this current journey of mine.  I don't think it's a coincidence that the name of my church is also "The Journey."

"The concept of
a 'speaker for the dead' arose from my experiences with death and
funerals. I have written of this at greater length elsewhere; suffice
it to say that I grew dissatisfied with the way that we use our
funerals to revise the life of the dead, to give the dead a story so
different from their actual life that, in effect, we kill them all over
again. No, that is too strong. Let me just say that we erase them, we
edit them, we make them into a person much easier to live with than the
person who actually lived."
-Orson Scott Card

The above was quoted on my friend's 'favorite quote' section of his Facebook.  I read it and wondered if i truly did a service for my mother when I spoke on her behalf at her funeral two years ago.  When I was eulogizing her, I included a piece from Mom's Home Cooking, which was something that I was working on during her final days.  It was my one-person show dedicated to the Chinese American Oaktown Woman who was the biggest influence on my life.  It was about how she managed to balance what was considered "Oaktown," versus was what "Chinese."  It was also a declaration on how I came to terms with the fact that Shirley D Chin, though not my biological mother, was and always will be my "REAL" mom.  Yet, when I finished that piece and returned to my seat on that hot Tuesday afternoon at the Albert Brown Chapel, I could see the disappointment in the eyes of the remaining family members. 

"Why couldn't you just do a simple eulogy for your mom?" demanded one of my aunts.  "Um, Reverend Yoshi, did not expect you to say that," responded my older sister.  It was sad that my best intentions for my mother resulted in glares from the immediate family members for the rest of the day that my mother was to be laid to rest.  But looking back at what I shared with the mourners, I was not trying to resurrect my mother verbally.  To this day, I'd give anything for an opportunity to resurrect her, to listen to advice from her I once shunned, but that is not the case.  I spoke of the only truth I knew about her.  My mother and I did have conflict along with every single parent and child that existed throughout humanity.  What was wrong with sharing that?  I wasn't going to do a "Shirley Chin was born to Tom and Elma Lim on Feb 21..." type of talk.  My family already knew that.  I'm not a facts person, I'm a story-teller.  I told the story of someone who if she were alive and heard it, she'd nod in approval, THEN she'd pull me aside later on and say, "you didn't have to share THAT part about me." 

I spoke at three funerals: my father's, my maternal grandmother's, and my mother's.  I did my best to relay what they did, what they said, how they said it, and how it impacted me.  For the sake of those grieving, we tend to best describe the events with the best foot forward on behalf of the deceased.  Why?  Not because we're trying to "edit" someone's life according to Orson Card, but for the sake of comfort.  In that momentary honor and respect for the deceased, it's best to let go of the flaws, the imperfections, and the conflicts that aroused from them.  It's not so we could edit and create a new person where those imperfections were non-existent, it's just to give them the benefit of the doubt that while saying our final farewell, they were a member of society who contributed.  What we shared about another during their funeral doesn't take away our real memory of them.  It's not so much that we attempt to create a person to be easier to live with, but we're over compensating in how we should've viewed them and treated them while they were alive.