August 26, 2008

  • The Battle

    It's hard not to talk about personal growth and the journey I've taken this past year.  It's all about me, myself, and I.  I make no apologies whatsoever about what I type on this website.  This is a blog and I type as I damn well please.  Nope, don't expect me to apologize for it.  I used to have a disclaimer about "not being held responsible whether or not the reader of this blog is offended or not."  I'm not planning on putting the disclaimer back on my info page, but I still stick by that policy.  It's not like the self-pity angry stuff I've printed here like two years ago.  I make no apologies for that too.  It's what I really felt two years ago.  BE GLAD I've never acted on how I felt back then.  I know I'm very glad about that. 

    I'm typing this as I'm wrapping up the month of August.  August and Decembers are very difficult months for me to cope with.  Perhaps more so since my mother passed away 3 years ago.  When she died, the entire family died with her.  I'm an adult.  I'm no orphan, yet I felt like an orphan for the past three years.  August and December are months where those feelings are stronger than usual.  One of the reasons for my decision to go on a personal growth retreat last year at the end of August was to deal with this emotion of feeling like an orphan.  It helped a little.  It helped me enough to know that there was something there that was more than what I gave myself credit for. 

    How I feel during the months of August and December and what I discovered about myself this past year are battling it out within me.  There's a battle going on inside.  Truthfully its actually ongoing, but during those two months, it just seems to intensify.  Something within boils to a point of rage, and it just comes out in some way or another.  People call it "cranky, impatient, uncharacteristic," my growth group renamed it "seasonal emotional allergy."  Some people who remembered me as one who flew off the handle at the drop of a hat will look at the behavior and conclude, "hasn't changed a bit."  It's no coincidence that they tend to show up ONLY around those two months and I'm never in contact with them again until either of those two months passes.  (Another thing for me to look into more in depth, eh?)

    A short time ago, I'd rage against God about that situation.  "WHY ME?" I'd lament.  I'd rage against myself too.  I'd have my reaction during those two months and just beat myself up over what I felt was a losing battle.  Then I'd give up completely after those moments of emotional defeats. 

    I'm so grateful over what occurred in August '07.  It was a moment of personal triumph when I was able to enjoy the Arizona heat at midnight in a resort pool.  I was taking a closer look at myself and what was programmed within me that made me behave and react the way I did at certain situations.  Then it was revealed to me that I was more powerful than I gave myself credit for, that what God created in me was not taken into account.  I felt liberated.  Then shortly afterwards, I found myself ordering takeout on Christmas day wondering what went wrong, thumbing my middle finger at God.  (Can I "THUMB" my middle finger...? Oh well...)

    It's an ongoing battle that never ends and never will. 

    However, this past year had more victories than defeat.  Better than that, I already know how the war is won: Victorious.  It's not just a theological theory.  It's factual.  It isn't just Biblical, it's one of those common Truths that all faiths subscribes to. 

    So why are there moments of defeats?  Well, first of all, we're human, and humanity isn't perfect.  And actually, that's pretty much it.  Imperfection. 

    So lately, I've noticed that most of my battles that's been "won" per se were a result of letting go of being perfect and simply doing and being the best I can be and do at that immediate moment.  It's about accepting imperfection.  The caveat is that when people realize their imperfections, they either allow themselves to be cynical or subject themselves to a state of futility.  Pursuit of excellence is thrown out the window.  It's like the flea experiment.  Fleas were placed in a tupperware type of container with a lid placed at the top to stiffle their jumping.  After awhile, though the lid is removed, the fleas ceased to jump out. 

    Basically the battle within is whether or not I bother to "jump" or not.  That's why I have that poster of myself jumping for a trapeze 30 feet above ground.  It's a reminder to "jump" regardless of the outcome, a reminder that jumping IS MORE THAN HALF the battle. 

    This August, though I have fallen at times and more so than any other times, I've made more "jumps" than I have in past Augusts and Decembers.  As a result, for the first time in a long time I've actually had a "happy birthday." 

    Though the battle rages on, I'm gaining ground.

    Well, and AIR too!