January 31, 2008

• acceptance

  I've been reading a lot of books lately.  Since I made that commitment to self improvement and personal growth, I've kept one end of the bargain on refining my "mental" levels.  The commitment required for the "mental" part of growth involved reading as many thought-provoking books as possible and taking classes.  Apparently, I've been sharpening my "mental" abilities for the past 3 years then. 

  This last trip to Asia was blanketed with a lot of uncertainties  like with the writers strike and the limited opportunities in the SF Bay Area, what am I going to do in regards to finding work as an actor?  Or now that I made it clear that I withdrew from the programme at Theatre Research and Training Centre in Singapore, and therefore, I will NOT move to Singapore, where am I going to eventually settle?  Or when is the next time will I be actually visiting Asia now that I have no plans to move there.  Or after spending Christmas by myself, who is out there for me to share my life with?  But even with those questions lingering, I also made a commitment to focus on the here and now.  And I thought I did a decent job on that especially in Thailand. 

  When I returned to Singapore after trekking through Thailand, I found myself blogging and reflecting for the first time in a long time.  A lot of ideas for plays, screenplays began to avalanche into my psyche.  I couldn't wait to return home to the Bay Area with all the ideas.  I couldn't wait to get over the jet lag when I returned.  So upon my return, I purchased several books within a two day period: Soul Cravings, Blue Like Jazz, Rich Dad Poor Dad, and Law of Attraction.  (I highly recommend that if you have a copy of The Secret, and you profess to be a Christian, then read that along with The Secret Things of God  by Henry Cloud, and with your Bible, which means you're reading 3 different items simultaneously) 

  I've read dozens upon dozens of books on Christianity and Christian Spirituality over the past 2 years, and I'd have to say that Velvet Elvis and Messy Spirituality probably saved my Christian life.  Blue Like Jazz resurrected all the other areas in my life that I wrote off as being "dead."  Back in 04 and 05, it seemed like I was experiencing a major loss consecutively one right after another, and every positive gain was canceled out by another major loss.  For example, upon returning home from my trip to Kauai, I learned that my mother was rushed to the hospital 2 days prior.  Bear in mind that prior to my trip to Kauai, I had not flown or taken any non L.A. trip since 1997.  Or my first casting as lead for a stage production was preceded by the breakup with my last serious relationship.  But the ultimate kicker was my first cast as lead in a featured film was immediately canceled out by the death of my mother.  Then following the death, loss of home, loss of a lot of possessions that had to be thrown away for room, loss of a friendship, getting kicked out of grad school after only 2 weeks of enrollment, just one loss after another.  Perhaps the biggest loss following my mother's death was illustrated in an email I sent to my best friend/mentor/pastor who baptized me:

  March 2006,
  From this moment forward, I Jarrett K Chin am formally renouncing my faith in Jesus Christ.  I can no longer follow nor tolerate the life setbacks thrown in my direction during the past 2+ years...After tearful pleading for some relief to no avail, it is my conclusion that God doesn't even exist. 
  
  I received no judgment after the email was received, but they did have one request: That I would go to a counselor to help me process the remaining grief.  During my 2nd session with the counselor, I simply vented on what was wrong with the world, people around me, my own mind, and especially "those goddamn church people" who were the most insensitive and self righteous people begging for some sort of random attack with their "holier than thou" attitude.  The counselor just simply nodded at me, picked up a book, and asked me "have you read Velvet Elvis? Pretty interesting stuff.  If you haven't read it, then that's your homework assignment before your next session with me, 'k?" 
  
  I read it, and it resonated with me so much that I considered retracting my email statement and recommitting myself back to Christ.  But I didn't.  I didn't do anything until I received an urgent IM from a friend who was more new agey/wiccan type.  She was trying to get in touch with me because whenever she thought of me, she kept getting heavy dark shadows clouding her thoughts.  She didn't think much of it cause she knew that my mother had passed recently.  But one day, she saw that I was online, and when she tried to IM me to see how I was doing, her computer froze, and the shadowy thoughts became heavy and overwhelming to her.  Then she realized it wasn't the grief.  When she finally got in touch w/me, she was like "your spiritual being is in serious danger!!! did you walk away from your beliefs?  if so, GO BACK NOW!!!"  Yeah, I used to write off that friend whom I used to jokingly nicknamed "Ms. Hokus Pocus," but somehow, I took her advice very seriously immediately.  I did a quick prayer of commitment, apology, and confession.  Then she was like "some of the darkness is lingering, but most of it is gone.  Keep praying, bud." 
  
  So once again, I became a Christian, but throughout 06, I was a VERY ANGRY ONE.  I'd refer back to Velvet Elvis and utilized their buzzword of authenticity and flexibility as a means to justify my angry feelings which would sometimes border on rage.  I visited Singapore twice that year, and the first 06 visit was overwhelming as this was the first time I met Jenniffer.  The 2nd visit to Singapore that year became more hopeful as an agent was willing to take me and help me find work there.  It was my "F* You" to my friends and family during that Holiday season that I'd start a new life and leave all those "ungrateful, insensitive, a*holes" behind.  My Christmas greeting was of me standing in front of a Christmas tree flipping a "double bird" and a big smile.  I was ready to write everyone off, especially my family who pretty much abandoned me after my mom passed. 
  
  So with 2 weeks before Christmas, and I'm suddenly in the hospital with a mysterious infection, I had to reflect on what went wrong with me.  Of course the morphine helped too.  The bottom line was that with a routine infection that should've been resolved with a minor surgical procedure and antibiotics, escalated into the surgery scheduled to amputate my left hand 2 days before Christmas.  I remember hearing the news and panicking about the prospect of losing my hand, and when the social worker came into my room to assist me in filling out forms to be on permanent disability, I immediately made plans to save every pain and sleep medication I could get in order to take all at once and end it all at once.  On top of everything else, during my first 4 days in the hospital with all the overwhelming news, not one single visitor. 
  
  I don't know what shifted my thinking at that point, but once the anger at God subsided, I picked up the phone and actually called for help.  I meant that I called for a more spiritual help.  I called every friend who was open about their prayer life and asked them to start a prayer circle going because up to that point, my hand was getting worse, not better.  Then something happened: I started to get visitors and "get well" gifts to the hospital.  But the best was yet to come: when my friend Vanessa learned of my pending fate, she took action and recruited our other friend Melinda to come to the hospital.  They brought oil that their pastor consecrated.  Yeah, they couldn't put the oil on the actual wound since my hand was wrapped in a cast, but they dropped oil into the cracks of the cast.  The following morning, the doctor opened my cast, and was astounded that my infection cleared up.  He declared that my "body finally accepted the antibiotics."   Words can't describe my relief the following day when I was released from the hospital. 
  
  Within the following 3 weeks, I returned to the "angry, raging Christian" form.  Bear in mind, the first 2 weeks, I was "Mr. Gratitude."  But I was visiting a friend who was demonstrating the green screen effects on video editing and was using The Secret as the example.  I paid more attention to the content than the "behind the scenes" technical stuff, which says alot for those of you who see films, tv shows, and live theater with me.  So I tried following their suggestion of focusing on what to be thankful for rather than what was bothering me.  That's probably how 2007 became a year of growth for me, because from 21 January 07 until now, I listed at the end of the day things to be thankful for.  Even if nothing had occurred that day, something as simple as receiving an email would be listed. 
  
  So with one setback having Christmas alone in 07, but starting 08 in Asia with friends, I felt very confident about the outlook in my life.  Yes, I began this entry with a lot of unanswered questions that I carried w/me during the trip, but unlike years past, I don't look at those questions with a pessimistic reaction.  So when I read Blue Like Jazz, I felt as if an unknown community was embracing me once again.  Then when I was finishing up the book last night, one of the entries that Donald Miller wrote screamed out at me:
  
  God's love will never change us if we don't accept it. 
  
  I'm sure most of your reaction is "duh," but for me, this is revelatory.  Not so much that I didn't know that prior to reading the statement, but after reading it, it became revelatory in the way that I realized why I refused to accept His love over the years.  Sort of like how the doctor reasoned that the infection became gone because my body "accepted" the antibiotics.  Whether or not the doctor was right that my body accepted the antibiotics or whether or not the prayers created a miracle (I believe that) has this in common: acceptance.  Nothing was going to change until either the prayer and the faith would be accepted or whether my body was gonna accept the effects of the medication.  Yes, the Apostle Paul said that NOTHING can separate us from God's love, but what Miller is saying is that though we're not separated from His love, we're not going to be transformed without acceptance. 

  I read over 230 pages of anecdotes from Miller and all I needed to learned was just that one line.  Was it a waste to read those 230 pages?  Of course not.  Some of those stories/anecdotes resonated with me so much that all I needed to do was to replace the names of the people in his stories with names I'm familiar with, and the story becomes exclusively mine. 

  My unacceptance on God's love and why is unfolding before me during this current journey of mine.  I don't think it's a coincidence that the name of my church is also "The Journey."
  
  

  • 3:18 pm
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