November 30, 2007

• thank you letter to mf #2

  dear mf:

  i had a wonderful time during my weekend visit catching up with you and the family.  initially it was devastating when you initially moved out of state so close to the untimely death of my mother.  it's not that you planned on taking off during that time, it just happened.  of course with my classic paranoia, i took it as a sign that the higher power that be had it in for me because of the circumstances. 

  i never had a chance to thank you for all the food provided by you over the years, and for me to pick up the tab for just that round of drinks for lunch during my visit seemed so minuscule.  i know i've thanked you countless of times over the weekend for your generosity and especially for introducing me to authentic texan bbq.  (YUM!)  i'm thinking of all the times at todais, sweet tomato, the two chinese restaurants, on the border, and applebees.  you set an example for me to show that food and fellowship went beyond feeding the physical hunger, but nourishing the spirit as well. 

  throughout our meals, i've poured out my heart, insecurities, confessions, rantings, and you sat there patiently, never judging me, never condemning me, but being a living example of what the true definition of grace is from a theological perspective.  even when i ranted about others who were clearly at fault which you acknowledged, you always pointed out to me what i needed to do though i hated the idea of doing so: giving them grace. 

  eventually, you began to entrust me with information that you were responsible for, once again building me up by trusting me.  i learned a lot about church politics and i realized that fellow christians are human too with the same flaws as myself and everyone else around me.  i mean, yes its a fact, but through you, it was a fact that i eventually learned to accept. 

  most importantly, not only did you teach me to learn to accept other people around me who pissed me off and to give them grace and forgiveness, you eventually taught me to give grace to the most importantly person in my life: myself.  throughout my christian walk, i kept this dark secret about myself that i never told anyone and it was weighing me down like a ton of bricks.  i was so petrified that had i shared my secret with anyone, i'd be persecuted from other christians to oblivion.  my other fear was that my secret was committing "the unforgivable sin."  when we met for lunch at that chinese restaurant with that hot and sour soup and i simply blurted out that i felt that god indeed committed one mistake and that mistake was me, i thought i had alienated myself from the fellowship of other christians.  so you could imagine how shocked i was when you looked at me squarely in the eyes empathetically and APOLOGIZED for all the hardship i gone through that caused me to come to such a conclusion.  you see, i've dropped hints to my former pastor, and without coming out specifically, i was already subject to verbal condemnation.  i knew his intention, and even you pointed out his intention was to let me know that my fear was far from the truth, but the end result was that i felt worse off emotionally.  even when you "assigned" me the eckman study guide, and i was being VERY cynical to what was taught, not once did you lose patience with me. 

  i still remembered the one time where i had to put that grace lesson you taught me into real practice.  the christmas story incident.  out of normal past patterns of how i used to handle things, i can honestly say that had i reacted the way i used to react, there's no way i'd be typing this, nor experience texan bbq at this point of my life.  when you made announcements in reaction to what was presented, i initially jumped to conclusions about how you were feeling and reacting.  luckily, you taught me to cool off before confronting the issue...well actually, you were always trying to teach me to cool off before reacting to situations.  i'm glad took the time to cool off and EDIT the initial email to the pastoral staff.  i'm also glad that i went to our usual meeting session shortly afterwards.  during that meeting, i learned a new lesson: LISTENING TO ANOTHER PERSON in time of conflict and misunderstanding.  we both know the result of that incident.  i finally took the (literal) plunge and got baptized in water.  i couldn't think of any other person to baptize me other than you, and even now, i still can't think of anyone more appropriate to do so. 

  i'm glad you opened your home to me because i really felt like i was at home.  dunno why other than when i'm around your family, i truly feel at home.  i think this is due to the fact that i really feel god's presence around us.  when i learned that you were moving out of the area, initially i thought "why god?"  but now after my visit with you and the family, i realized that i was in the same caring hands all this time that you were away.  the same caring hands were there while you took all that time supporting and encouraging me when we were in the bay area was there while you guys moved away. 

  i don't think i would've known that had i not visited you.  thanks again. 

  • 5:44 am
  • 1 Comment